Duncan MacMaster The Sweetheart of the Internet
@duncanwriter.bsky.social
Librocubicularist & writer, plotter of fictional crimes, Jack of all genres. Once called “brilliant” by Peter Straub. Bad joke proliferator. Buy my books at Fahrenheit Press.
“You see that road by the cow pasture?”
“Yes.”
“Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.”
“Then what?”
“Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.”
“No need to be snarky.”
“Yes.”
“Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.”
“Then what?”
“Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.”
“No need to be snarky.”
November 13, 2025 at 12:53 PM
“You see that road by the cow pasture?”
“Yes.”
“Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.”
“Then what?”
“Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.”
“No need to be snarky.”
“Yes.”
“Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.”
“Then what?”
“Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.”
“No need to be snarky.”
“Whoah! Guys! Guys! I just realized something.”
“What is it Bob?”
“This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”
“What is it Bob?”
“This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”
November 11, 2025 at 12:44 AM
“Whoah! Guys! Guys! I just realized something.”
“What is it Bob?”
“This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”
“What is it Bob?”
“This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”
Coming this December to ABC prime time & Disney+.
PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL
Starring DEK & THIA.
Featuring:
THE MUPPETS
THE XENOMORPH DANCERS
THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES
with musical guests
ANNE MURRAY
SNOOP DOGG
&
CYBORG MEL TORME
Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.
PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL
Starring DEK & THIA.
Featuring:
THE MUPPETS
THE XENOMORPH DANCERS
THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES
with musical guests
ANNE MURRAY
SNOOP DOGG
&
CYBORG MEL TORME
Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.
November 9, 2025 at 10:26 PM
Coming this December to ABC prime time & Disney+.
PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL
Starring DEK & THIA.
Featuring:
THE MUPPETS
THE XENOMORPH DANCERS
THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES
with musical guests
ANNE MURRAY
SNOOP DOGG
&
CYBORG MEL TORME
Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.
PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL
Starring DEK & THIA.
Featuring:
THE MUPPETS
THE XENOMORPH DANCERS
THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES
with musical guests
ANNE MURRAY
SNOOP DOGG
&
CYBORG MEL TORME
Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.
“I’d like a large pizza with the works, but hold the anchovies…. Yeah, everyone is surprised to discover that I don’t eat anchovies… oh can I get a bottle of Coke with that? Will Pepsi do? No, not really. I’ll have a root beer instead. Thanks.”
November 9, 2025 at 7:58 PM
“I’d like a large pizza with the works, but hold the anchovies…. Yeah, everyone is surprised to discover that I don’t eat anchovies… oh can I get a bottle of Coke with that? Will Pepsi do? No, not really. I’ll have a root beer instead. Thanks.”
“La donna è mobile
Qual piuma al vento
Muta d'accento
E di pensiero
Sempre un amabile
Leggiadro viso
In pianto o in riso
È mensognero”
Qual piuma al vento
Muta d'accento
E di pensiero
Sempre un amabile
Leggiadro viso
In pianto o in riso
È mensognero”
November 9, 2025 at 7:54 PM
“La donna è mobile
Qual piuma al vento
Muta d'accento
E di pensiero
Sempre un amabile
Leggiadro viso
In pianto o in riso
È mensognero”
Qual piuma al vento
Muta d'accento
E di pensiero
Sempre un amabile
Leggiadro viso
In pianto o in riso
È mensognero”
“I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright,
And I pity
Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright,
And I pity
Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”
November 8, 2025 at 10:37 PM
“I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright,
And I pity
Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright,
And I pity
Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”
A picture from rehearsals for my new musical CUJO!
“Don’t you know
I’m Cujo
I ain’t no Joe Blow
No you can’t go
Cause I’ve gone psycho!
I got the rabies
Now I’m gonna eat your babies
Even a case of scabies
Ain’t gonna stop me!”
“Don’t you know
I’m Cujo
I ain’t no Joe Blow
No you can’t go
Cause I’ve gone psycho!
I got the rabies
Now I’m gonna eat your babies
Even a case of scabies
Ain’t gonna stop me!”
November 8, 2025 at 2:18 AM
A picture from rehearsals for my new musical CUJO!
“Don’t you know
I’m Cujo
I ain’t no Joe Blow
No you can’t go
Cause I’ve gone psycho!
I got the rabies
Now I’m gonna eat your babies
Even a case of scabies
Ain’t gonna stop me!”
“Don’t you know
I’m Cujo
I ain’t no Joe Blow
No you can’t go
Cause I’ve gone psycho!
I got the rabies
Now I’m gonna eat your babies
Even a case of scabies
Ain’t gonna stop me!”
“Hey guys, great you could make it. Just pop your weapons in the basket, I got pizza cooking, beer in the fridge, and the latest module of ‘Suburbs & Cities’ ready to play.”
“What’s it called?”
“The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”
“What’s it called?”
“The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”
November 6, 2025 at 12:10 PM
“Hey guys, great you could make it. Just pop your weapons in the basket, I got pizza cooking, beer in the fridge, and the latest module of ‘Suburbs & Cities’ ready to play.”
“What’s it called?”
“The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”
“What’s it called?”
“The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you! I knock on your door, tell you that dinner’s ready, and now I have a bullet in my shoulder! —Billy, call 911, we need ambulances and cops, Mommy’s off her meds again!”
November 6, 2025 at 11:42 AM
“What the fuck is wrong with you! I knock on your door, tell you that dinner’s ready, and now I have a bullet in my shoulder! —Billy, call 911, we need ambulances and cops, Mommy’s off her meds again!”
“Look out the window Sonya, the sun’s already down, and I’ve transformed into a monster at 5:30. I hate it when daylight savings time happens.”
“At least you don’t have run around & reset all the clocks.”
“Sorry about that honey, but my claws would scratch the antique pieces.”
“At least you don’t have run around & reset all the clocks.”
“Sorry about that honey, but my claws would scratch the antique pieces.”
November 4, 2025 at 8:22 PM
“Look out the window Sonya, the sun’s already down, and I’ve transformed into a monster at 5:30. I hate it when daylight savings time happens.”
“At least you don’t have run around & reset all the clocks.”
“Sorry about that honey, but my claws would scratch the antique pieces.”
“At least you don’t have run around & reset all the clocks.”
“Sorry about that honey, but my claws would scratch the antique pieces.”
“Doctor Moreau, I am here to formally inform you that the animal people have formed a union.”
November 4, 2025 at 12:12 PM
“Doctor Moreau, I am here to formally inform you that the animal people have formed a union.”
“Ev'ry morning, ev'ry evening,
Ain't we got fun.
Not much money Oh but honey
Ain't we got fun.
The rent's unpaid dear, We havn't a bus, But smiles were made dear, For people like us.”
The rent's unpaid dear, We havn't a bus, But smiles were made dear, For people like us.”
November 3, 2025 at 11:59 PM
“Ev'ry morning, ev'ry evening,
Ain't we got fun.
Not much money Oh but honey
Ain't we got fun.
The rent's unpaid dear, We havn't a bus, But smiles were made dear, For people like us.”
The rent's unpaid dear, We havn't a bus, But smiles were made dear, For people like us.”
“This one was a neighbour I caught stealing deliveries off my porch… the one next to it cut me off in traffic…then there’s the paperboy who always threw my paper into a puddle…”
November 3, 2025 at 9:43 PM
“This one was a neighbour I caught stealing deliveries off my porch… the one next to it cut me off in traffic…then there’s the paperboy who always threw my paper into a puddle…”
The wild beast muttered its last words:
“They’re grrrreat!”
Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.
“They’re grrrreat!”
Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.
November 3, 2025 at 1:04 PM
The wild beast muttered its last words:
“They’re grrrreat!”
Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.
“They’re grrrreat!”
Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.
“WAKE UP! MY FOOD BOWL IS EMPTY!”
“Stop being such a drama queen you dang cat. It’s only 2 hours until your breakfast.”
“I COULD DIE OF STARVATION IN TWO HOURS!”
“You could die of something more violent than starvation if you don’t stop wailing.”
“Stop being such a drama queen you dang cat. It’s only 2 hours until your breakfast.”
“I COULD DIE OF STARVATION IN TWO HOURS!”
“You could die of something more violent than starvation if you don’t stop wailing.”
November 1, 2025 at 11:51 PM
“WAKE UP! MY FOOD BOWL IS EMPTY!”
“Stop being such a drama queen you dang cat. It’s only 2 hours until your breakfast.”
“I COULD DIE OF STARVATION IN TWO HOURS!”
“You could die of something more violent than starvation if you don’t stop wailing.”
“Stop being such a drama queen you dang cat. It’s only 2 hours until your breakfast.”
“I COULD DIE OF STARVATION IN TWO HOURS!”
“You could die of something more violent than starvation if you don’t stop wailing.”
As Penelope watched Ruddiger walking off with Jezebel Bancroft, she no longer felt guilty about giving Ruddiger syphilis.
November 1, 2025 at 5:44 PM
As Penelope watched Ruddiger walking off with Jezebel Bancroft, she no longer felt guilty about giving Ruddiger syphilis.
“Look Grandpa Boris, the state has successfully launched a man into space!”
“Amazing!”
“Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”
“Amazing!”
“Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”
November 1, 2025 at 4:37 PM
“Look Grandpa Boris, the state has successfully launched a man into space!”
“Amazing!”
“Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”
“Amazing!”
“Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”
“Gladys?”
“Yes Hazel.”
“Have you figured out how to land these stupid things yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Yes Hazel.”
“Have you figured out how to land these stupid things yet?”
“Not yet.”
November 1, 2025 at 1:27 AM
“Gladys?”
“Yes Hazel.”
“Have you figured out how to land these stupid things yet?”
“Not yet.”
“Yes Hazel.”
“Have you figured out how to land these stupid things yet?”
“Not yet.”
Billy was shocked, & moved to see all of his friends make it to his birthday. Including Zoltan the Lich, who had driven all the way from Indianapolis to make it.
October 31, 2025 at 11:14 AM
Billy was shocked, & moved to see all of his friends make it to his birthday. Including Zoltan the Lich, who had driven all the way from Indianapolis to make it.
Ran into this cat walking home today, and now I have to recover the Lost Emerald Blade of Farhannaki before the next eclipse, or some BS portal is going to open & free some joker named The Dark Lord Fistup of Botham.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Why does this keep happening to me?
October 31, 2025 at 1:16 AM
Ran into this cat walking home today, and now I have to recover the Lost Emerald Blade of Farhannaki before the next eclipse, or some BS portal is going to open & free some joker named The Dark Lord Fistup of Botham.
Why does this keep happening to me?
Why does this keep happening to me?
Thank you Christian Mingle.
October 30, 2025 at 11:58 PM
Thank you Christian Mingle.
“What are you doing for Halloween tomorrow?”
“I’m manning the door solo this year ducky. Alphonse is visiting his mother this weekend. I’d rather be tossing treat bags to little snots dressed as dragons than deal with a real one spitting fire at over the dinner table.”
“I’m manning the door solo this year ducky. Alphonse is visiting his mother this weekend. I’d rather be tossing treat bags to little snots dressed as dragons than deal with a real one spitting fire at over the dinner table.”
October 30, 2025 at 11:56 PM
“What are you doing for Halloween tomorrow?”
“I’m manning the door solo this year ducky. Alphonse is visiting his mother this weekend. I’d rather be tossing treat bags to little snots dressed as dragons than deal with a real one spitting fire at over the dinner table.”
“I’m manning the door solo this year ducky. Alphonse is visiting his mother this weekend. I’d rather be tossing treat bags to little snots dressed as dragons than deal with a real one spitting fire at over the dinner table.”
“I think I need to use more moisturizer.”
October 30, 2025 at 7:23 PM
“I think I need to use more moisturizer.”
Deez
October 30, 2025 at 12:08 AM
Deez
Thank you Christian Mingle.
October 29, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Thank you Christian Mingle.