I'm sorry, but "smarter than the average bear" is not really the flex that Yogi thinks it is...

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap on your resume?

Me: Yeah, I wondered about that myself...

[John Fetterman's mother] "Is that what you're wearing?"

You know, I've always felt that these restaurants that show "seniors and children" prices on their menus are engaging in the worst kind of ageism...

[Waiter:] So, just water to drink, then?

Ah, I get it now. He wanted Canada and Greenland so he could move them inside....

"A SellCell survey last month revealed that most users see little to no value in Apple Intelligence so far."

Sounds like it's working already...

I hate it when I walk into the next room and forget my secret identity...

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I've decided that my biggest character flaw is indecision. Well, wait, maybe gluttony...

Say what you will about what I drive around--but at least if it ever bursts into flame it won't have to be remotely unlocked by the CEO...

"Party City is going out of business" is exactly what my homeroom teacher said in 1968, when he confiscated a radio that this guy had hidden in a hollowed-out biology book...

I'll never forget where I was when I realized that today's the anniversary of the JFK assassination...