Sometimes when I am at a pub I wish I was a cat because I admire how they are completely oblivious to anything on the TV

This is the superbowl of weird actor pairings commercials

Please be a couple please be a couple please be a couple

The spelling of the word threshold really bothers me. Either we use two "h"s or we standardize droping unecesary double leters

I prefer "I barked my ass" when I bump it because why should the shin get all the good barking

Turns out some stars rent their avatars cheaper than others. So now budgeting my AI kung-fu action movie with Navy SEALs Buddy Hackett and Phil Silvers fighting evil biker gang leader Don Knotts

Whe I was a kid we would canoe to Canada with other kids just to buy Caramels. That sounds crazy now

The cats felt they needed to donate to fire victims. “Take my loose hair,” they said, “take my loose hair and donate it to the poor cats who have lost their hair to the fire.” My cats are the most generous cats.

Also: Unrelated, Red Cross does not take cat hair donations

Air hand dryers are that lovely combo of warm, dry hands and a white noise machine which gives you a ruptured ear drum

Hear me out.

Pringles-flavored potato chips

I’m convinced healthcare is so expensive because doctors have hundreds of extra little exam rooms so that you’ll wait patiently instead of rioting in the waiting room over how long it’s taking