Chris
@damnyouchris.bsky.social
Contributor at The Shovel. Comedy, satire, writing. Probably on the toilet.
Pinned
Chris
@damnyouchris.bsky.social
· Jan 6
New year new me!
(I committed identity theft)
(I committed identity theft)
Mixing metaphors is a fun way to polish a pig or put lipstick on a turd.
July 22, 2025 at 2:33 AM
Mixing metaphors is a fun way to polish a pig or put lipstick on a turd.
You heard about these new Generation Beta kids? Another participation award batch.
I heard they get a certificate just for being born.
I heard they get a certificate just for being born.
January 8, 2025 at 11:59 AM
You heard about these new Generation Beta kids? Another participation award batch.
I heard they get a certificate just for being born.
I heard they get a certificate just for being born.
Reposted by Chris
Jeremyquai
Jeremy Strong’s outfit is a tribute to Kid Spearmint, a hip-hop pioneer I just made up
January 6, 2025 at 2:38 AM
Jeremyquai
New year new me!
(I committed identity theft)
(I committed identity theft)
January 6, 2025 at 2:36 AM
New year new me!
(I committed identity theft)
(I committed identity theft)
Health?
Nah... They need to put RFK Jr in charge of the Department or Poorly Prepared Roadkill.
What's Latin for "I only eat the front half of a skunk"
So they can put it on the seal.
Nah... They need to put RFK Jr in charge of the Department or Poorly Prepared Roadkill.
What's Latin for "I only eat the front half of a skunk"
So they can put it on the seal.
November 15, 2024 at 6:25 PM
Health?
Nah... They need to put RFK Jr in charge of the Department or Poorly Prepared Roadkill.
What's Latin for "I only eat the front half of a skunk"
So they can put it on the seal.
Nah... They need to put RFK Jr in charge of the Department or Poorly Prepared Roadkill.
What's Latin for "I only eat the front half of a skunk"
So they can put it on the seal.
1 in 3 Americans own guns so this seems like a problem with the potential to solve itself.
October 21, 2024 at 8:47 AM
1 in 3 Americans own guns so this seems like a problem with the potential to solve itself.
When travelling overseas make sure you know 2 phrases in the language of your destination:
"Where is the toilet?"
and
"Those are not my drugs"
You can wing everything else (or if you're American just yell it in English repeatedly).
"Where is the toilet?"
and
"Those are not my drugs"
You can wing everything else (or if you're American just yell it in English repeatedly).
September 6, 2024 at 1:27 AM
When travelling overseas make sure you know 2 phrases in the language of your destination:
"Where is the toilet?"
and
"Those are not my drugs"
You can wing everything else (or if you're American just yell it in English repeatedly).
"Where is the toilet?"
and
"Those are not my drugs"
You can wing everything else (or if you're American just yell it in English repeatedly).
*putting any leftover meal except pizza away*
"I will store it in this airtight Tupperware to keep it fresh and safe for eating"
*Putting left over pizza away*
"The filthy, porous box it came in will do fine"
"I will store it in this airtight Tupperware to keep it fresh and safe for eating"
*Putting left over pizza away*
"The filthy, porous box it came in will do fine"
February 11, 2024 at 6:06 AM
*putting any leftover meal except pizza away*
"I will store it in this airtight Tupperware to keep it fresh and safe for eating"
*Putting left over pizza away*
"The filthy, porous box it came in will do fine"
"I will store it in this airtight Tupperware to keep it fresh and safe for eating"
*Putting left over pizza away*
"The filthy, porous box it came in will do fine"
People think I'm fucking around when I say this, but I promise you, I have never had to do jury duty because I always fill out the response in crayon.
February 9, 2024 at 9:09 AM
People think I'm fucking around when I say this, but I promise you, I have never had to do jury duty because I always fill out the response in crayon.
Take a deep breath in. Hold and as you breathe out you'll feel the skeets leaving your body. Ahhhhhhh skeet skeet skeet.
February 7, 2024 at 7:03 AM
Take a deep breath in. Hold and as you breathe out you'll feel the skeets leaving your body. Ahhhhhhh skeet skeet skeet.
Does anyone know where this is? Because I can't think of anything more embarrassing than getting killed after a cybertruck scoops me up into its wheel arch. Avoiding that at all costs.
January 11, 2024 at 1:29 AM
Does anyone know where this is? Because I can't think of anything more embarrassing than getting killed after a cybertruck scoops me up into its wheel arch. Avoiding that at all costs.
I have some bad news for the Pope around how God's son Jesus came about.
January 9, 2024 at 1:41 AM
I have some bad news for the Pope around how God's son Jesus came about.
Mickey Mouse sank the Titanic.
January 2, 2024 at 3:54 AM
Mickey Mouse sank the Titanic.
During my wife's pregnancy I repeatedly said I was taking her to the Cervix Station at every Ob/gyn appointment.
Just putting it out there for any new father's to be. Y'know get your dad joke practice in.
Just putting it out there for any new father's to be. Y'know get your dad joke practice in.
November 20, 2023 at 11:22 AM
During my wife's pregnancy I repeatedly said I was taking her to the Cervix Station at every Ob/gyn appointment.
Just putting it out there for any new father's to be. Y'know get your dad joke practice in.
Just putting it out there for any new father's to be. Y'know get your dad joke practice in.
The most menacing mascot. Truly fucked. They should kill him off as a mascot and replace him with Mayor McCheese
October 22, 2023 at 12:12 AM
The most menacing mascot. Truly fucked. They should kill him off as a mascot and replace him with Mayor McCheese
Reposted by Chris
Something Bluesky needs more of is accounts called "The Official News" with verification and millions of followers but it's just some guy named Brad who has eight bucks.
October 18, 2023 at 2:30 AM
Something Bluesky needs more of is accounts called "The Official News" with verification and millions of followers but it's just some guy named Brad who has eight bucks.
Arnotts should replace the Orange Slice in the creams favorites with the Ice Vovo.
October 13, 2023 at 4:47 AM
Arnotts should replace the Orange Slice in the creams favorites with the Ice Vovo.
Telling everyone that Filo Pastry was invented by a dude named Phillip O'Pastry
September 26, 2023 at 1:46 AM
Telling everyone that Filo Pastry was invented by a dude named Phillip O'Pastry
"What the fuck was I thinking? I didn't need to buy a baby at duty free."
September 24, 2023 at 9:19 PM
"What the fuck was I thinking? I didn't need to buy a baby at duty free."
"It looks like you're writing a Unabomber style manifesto..."
September 24, 2023 at 9:10 PM
"It looks like you're writing a Unabomber style manifesto..."
Recipe: "1 clove of garlic.'
Insinuated; "if you're a fucking coward"
Insinuated; "if you're a fucking coward"
September 24, 2023 at 11:38 AM
Recipe: "1 clove of garlic.'
Insinuated; "if you're a fucking coward"
Insinuated; "if you're a fucking coward"
*Werner Herzog voice*
"You must never check on your old Neopets."
"You must never check on your old Neopets."
September 22, 2023 at 11:55 AM
*Werner Herzog voice*
"You must never check on your old Neopets."
"You must never check on your old Neopets."
@jimmyfallon.bsky.social
Sell me one of your worthless apes for $6.
Sell me one of your worthless apes for $6.
September 22, 2023 at 11:11 AM
@jimmyfallon.bsky.social
Sell me one of your worthless apes for $6.
Sell me one of your worthless apes for $6.