the only thing keeping me going at this point is i have my moms, their daughter, and my two partners. but when i'm not with them i just feel so fucking unfathomably miserable. i'm forced to sit with myself and i cannot stand who or what i am.

i have applied to trans surgery grants year after year and there are so many other people who are more eligible than me and it becomes this fucking spiral because i'm in a bad spot but i'm not in a Bad Enough spot where organization runners can prioritize me over anyone else

the funds i've made from here are set aside from my everyday funds but every single time i have an emergency i feel so fucking scared that i am physically ill. my body is shutting down from the stress of trying to keep myself afloat financially and i'm really exhausted.

every time i have to take out of my savings for other emergencies (doctors, medical testing, and medication for my chronic illnesses, many of which not covered by insurance, and car issues) i feel a full-body guilt about how i might have to dip into the top surgery fund at the rate things are going.

the amount i have made across the two and a half years that this has been up amounts to less than $3 a day. this has been about as beneficial for me as skipping a soda or coffee would be for anyone else. while it is not a negligible amount, it is so easy for it to get swallowed up by other issues

coworkers pointed out my limping and i feel so fucking terrible

im gonna see if there's a way to close my gofundme because i feel terrible knowing everything i've gotten so far may go somewhere that it wasnt promised

i am Actually so frustrated i could cry. im back at work. i have walked three miles total coming from and going back to work, not counting my footwork while here. i'm cranky. i'm tired. i may have to drain my top surgery savings to buy a new fucking car that wont shit the bed every six months

i just spent $40 to find out my car cant even accellerate so i have to spend more money to tow it to the car doctor to spend more money for them to patch it up for six months before something else falls apart

i can't Not have a car bc my fiance visits in three fucking weeks i can't Not pick him up from the airport bc i cannot afford a $200 taxi one way

i walked back during my lunch break and refilled the oil and now a cylinder isnt firing i think my truck is actually evil

guess who is latw to work bc he is walking (me!! meeee!!!!)

JK THERE IS NO OIL WHAT THE FUCK

i feel like scarlett with a strap would either end up with her getting too excited and hospitalizing him or too nervous and she barely puts the tip in and is like 'whew that was so fun' and he's still on his hands and knees like ??

my favorite is cup of insects 40p and you're like 'there is no way that beat out the ugly burger' and actually cup insects has 33.53% yes vote and people were so upset by ugly cheeseburger that it has 4.22% yes vote

ancient. elderly. decrepit. menopausal

i got espeon this quiz is so ass im gonna try and fudge it until i get my favorite

i know you're not supposed to use tough stuff on cast iron bc you'll remove the seasoning. but my problem is like. what happens when i cook something that sticks past the seasoning. like i started to burn beans bc i wasn't paying attention and i got bean glorp stuck on there

it reeked of ableism. anyone can get that bad. people with any mental illnesses can stop showering, stop brushing their teeth, stop cleaning their living space etc. some people can't prevent roaches and mold bc they are -disabled-!! to act as if you're above that bc you aren't "that bad" is so cruel