My brother, save some ladies for the rest of us!

The plant a tree/light a candle stuff is just gross. I wish we could disable it.

"If I'm writing the obituary, submitting the obituary, posting the obituary, and correcting the obituary...what do you do? What is your job?"

Imagine old funeral directors like me--who have our own websites--trying to learn a new method for submitting obituaries that have basically priced themselves out of existence. After a terse argument with the manager of the obituary department over a needed correction, I asked...

Now the obituary department has switched to an online portal. Not only do you have to write the obit yourself, it's never checked by a human being. You have to submit it and post it to their website yourself and the charges are outrageous. A simple obituary now runs $400+ per day.

A few years ago, the obituary department was moved to Advertising. Now, all obituaries had to be submitted by email and they had to be complete and written. You could say anything you wanted, because it was considered an "advertisement." They still wouldn't let you curse, but other than that...

If I was the lake, I’d have happily given up my dead. I don’t want any dead within me. Take them.

We were going to use them for meat! I just read a book about this.

By request, the Groom’s cake, surrounded by Krispy Kreme donuts.

You have my number.

He’s got a better mustache than me and double pierced ears. Clearly I am his lessor.

Pete is a goddamn gentleman and a great hiking partner.

You were my inspiration!