I feel so unstable

it's so fucking hard to feel anything positive i feel like I'm falling

I struggle to enjoy anything I'd normally enjoy

I don't know why this is happening to me there's no reason for it

I don't know what else there is to say really I am hesitant to even post this

I don't know why, nothing has really changed

but it's made me so miserable

I keep thinking about hurting or killing myself it feels inescapable

this morning I woke up from a nightmare where all I could think about was hurting myself, what I could do and so on

I upload some bird photos to ebird which I thought were good then I look at the ratings and it's like "hmm best I can do is two stars"

I have to put on a proverbial mask for any social occasion to act like I'm fine

i could go on but it's really just the same stuff over and over

I'm tired and depressed

no contentment, no progress, no drive, no reason to get up, nothing

there is no amount of words or combination which can express how heavy it "feels" to be feeling truly just nothing sustained

no emotion has any staying power, it's lost as soon as the stimuli are gone

I love the way grackles expand before they squawk