i should smile less

they can be friends

idk. ocd awareness week was recently and I didnt remember until just now so I'm feeling contemplative. all this to say: bathroom faucet suck my nuts I'm not scared of you anymore. mostly.

being the research-oriented (read: rabbit hole prone) person that I am, sometimes I'm struck with how much going to therapy ends up being a trusted authority telling me things I already know but don't trust my own judgement/understanding of

so how could I know it was okay to try to let go of the coping mechanisms that make me miserable and exhausted but also kept me alive? who am I to know what's best for me?

idk. I've always considered ocd to be a condition of 'what if's, of not being able to trust tour own perception or judgement of the events around you. which sucks, because it makes for a person with a ton of self doubt (me, specifically)

and it was too scary to even consider that to be the case even a few weeks ago. because what if it did leave me debilitated? what if nothing had changed after all the work I've done? what if it was all for nothing, you know?

but now that I'm in a better place, have more experience, am properly medicated and have a solid support system, it *is* time to examine the spike of anxiety that triggers the compulsion and find out if it will leave me crying on the floor like it did ten years ago or if it'll dissipate quickly

like, 10+ years after a diagnosis and many more years of symptoms, it *does* make sense that some of these compulsions are built on pure habit rather than actual debilitating anxiety the way that they used to be. and they did used to be! to the point of complete shutdown!