Bryce Tetraeder
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Bryce Tetraeder
@brycetetraeder.bsky.social
25K followers 2 following 29 posts
Global Tetrahedron CEO, chairman, media proprietor, entrepreneur, human trafficker, thought leader, and venture capitalist.
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brycetetraeder.bsky.social
Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...
To the esteemed members of Congress, I say: Enjoy the paper. I look forward to seeing many of you at my annual orgy in one of the $500,000-per-head sex pits. Infinite Influence Forever, Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO Read The Onion's Open Letter To Congress On Theonion.com
June 22, 2025 at 4:04 PM
brycetetraeder.bsky.social
Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...
fact-obsessed experts or listen to the drivel spewed by your half-wit constituents. The Onion is now your everything. It is your sole guide, your lodestar, your universe. Burn all other newspapers. Drive their so-called journalists out into the cold. From here on out, America’s Finest News Source holds a monopoly on deciding what is best for our nation’s business interests, and therefore our nation. As you’ll read in the piece I made my editorial board write while hovering ver their shoulders and breathing my will into their ears, our country is slipping smoothly into the warm bath of authoritarianism and oligarchy. I wish I could take credit for this, and I will. But much of the praise must go to Congress and its cowardice. I ask you to stay the course and allow The Onion’s strong, steady arm to point the way. Your capitulation will be justly rewarded with glowing press coverage and the opportunity to borrow our paperboys to do with as you wish.
June 22, 2025 at 4:04 PM
brycetetraeder.bsky.social
Here is Why I’m Sending Issues of ‘The Onion’ To Every Member Of Congress.

Click here to read The Onion’s open letter to Congress:
theonion.com/letter-to-co...
As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago. But sending each member of Congress a copy of our vaunted reporting is more than just a token gesture of thanks for bringing about a future in which scions like myself are given unlimited influence over government and veto power over bike lanes. As we stand in the smoldering ruins of our democratic government, we at Global Tetrahedron LLC would be doing a disservice to our shareholders, their descendants, and their descendants’ thoroughbred horses if we didn’t take this opportunity to snatch up as much power and money as possible while the getting is good. On that note, I invite you to peruse this issue and let it dictate your every action as you lead us forth into ruin. There’s no longer any need to pretend to read reports from
June 22, 2025 at 4:04 PM
brycetetraeder.bsky.social
Infinite Growth Forever.
So as we close this long chapter of uncertainty and dread and immediately open another much longer chapter of uncertainty and dread, I hope you will all follow along. Untapped acres of time stretch forward without limit, and the name on the deed is ours. Your role will soon become clear. Stand by. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
December 13, 2024 at 5:17 PM
brycetetraeder.bsky.social
In short, it is the kind of world we at Global Tetrahedron have always envisioned. One in which wealth begets wealth, power begets power, and the process itself inflicts daily suffering on innocent parties for no reason. On a personal level, witnessing this saga has been nothing short of inspiring. To see such naked contempt for truth and humanity—to have front-row seats as a parade of mercenary goons disfigure the English language with blunt-force bravado—is a dream come true for the 10-year-old boy in me who grew up idolizing greats like George Wallace and Idi Amin. And as I reflect on how lucky I am, I find myself wishing others could share in this experience. I believe that everyone, at least once in their life, should know the joy of being locked in a byzantine financial struggle to own InfoWars.com. That is why my message to you today is one of hope. This is not the end for Global Tetrahedron. When the night seems dark, we can still make it darker and profit from darkness arbitrage markets. When the world seems to have died, it is possible to extract significant economic value from its slouching corpse. And no matter what, transnational global capital always wins.
December 13, 2024 at 5:17 PM
brycetetraeder.bsky.social
November 14, 2024 at 4:14 PM