I’m tired, so I’m going to fall asleep to videos I’ve taken of my cat sleeping on me in this exact same bed and in this exact same position, but actually ignoring my cat

Guess what? I got spring fever, and the only prescription is spring cowbell

Just found my cat watching TikToks of other humans. Um, EXCUSE ME?!? I’m right here ffs

We are sorry to reject your health care claim, but being alive is considered a pre-existing condition.

Look, I haven’t done improv on stage since, like, 2018, so this is, like, TOTALLY a big deal. And the first thing I’ve asked people to attend in forever that isn’t d&d related!

Tix: ucbcomedy.com/training-cen...

Can we bring back XD as an emoticon? I feel like 😂 is too many feelings

If you’re trying to be my friend and it’s too difficult, try inputting the Konami Code into my forehead

2025 will be the year my cat finally says “thank you for being my body pillow” in the human tongue

yeah, I’m gonna copy paste everything I post between here and threads, so what

How many dates until it’s appropriate to bring up that I’ve never seen Die Hard?

They say you can kill 2 birds with 1 stone, but they don’t tell you about how those birds will weigh heavy on your conscience and that their mangled bodies will be the last thing you see before you fall sleep every night

Murder isn’t funny, but escaping a violent crime on an electric bike is comedy gold

This might be a hot take, but I don’t think frogs should be taller than me

Is it gauche to copy all my twitter jokes from 2014 here to seem clever? Because I have at least one Harambe one that’ll DESTROY here in 2024