Briana
@brihaynie.bsky.social
Writer | DVD Owner
-Comedy in New Yorker, Mcsweeney’s, The Belladonna, Points In Case, and Reductress
Subscribe to my newsletter 👇🏼
https://open.substack.com/pub/brianahaynie
-Comedy in New Yorker, Mcsweeney’s, The Belladonna, Points In Case, and Reductress
Subscribe to my newsletter 👇🏼
https://open.substack.com/pub/brianahaynie
Pinned
Briana
@brihaynie.bsky.social
· Nov 20
The MacMillans Announce the Engagement of Their Daughter to a Man with Really Fantastic Health Insurance
The groom comes from a long line of well-insured men and women who have lived full and exciting lives free of the burdens of self-financed health care.
www.newyorker.com
I’m making a thread of things I’ve written cuz I’d love if you read them. First up my very first New Yorker piece www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-...
Reposted by Briana
Hello Bluesky! @brihaynie.bsky.social and I are making a movie and we need your help. Do you like comedy? Had an awkward encounter at the doctor?Wish patients weren’t treated like pests?
Scooch Down is for you!
seedandspark.com/fund/scooch-... Scooch Down - Film and Storytelling | Seed&Spark
Scooch Down is for you!
seedandspark.com/fund/scooch-... Scooch Down - Film and Storytelling | Seed&Spark
Scooch Down - Film and Storytelling | Seed&Spark
A routine doctor’s visit becomes anything but, when a young woman with a few questions meets her eccentric doctor. In a time that feels like bodily autonomy is only a moment from being stripped away, hearing women's voices feels more important than ever.
seedandspark.com
June 5, 2025 at 4:44 PM
Hello Bluesky! @brihaynie.bsky.social and I are making a movie and we need your help. Do you like comedy? Had an awkward encounter at the doctor?Wish patients weren’t treated like pests?
Scooch Down is for you!
seedandspark.com/fund/scooch-... Scooch Down - Film and Storytelling | Seed&Spark
Scooch Down is for you!
seedandspark.com/fund/scooch-... Scooch Down - Film and Storytelling | Seed&Spark
Anyone else feel like we live in a timeline that Marty McFly messed up?
January 25, 2025 at 2:29 AM
Anyone else feel like we live in a timeline that Marty McFly messed up?
Water On Journey To Become Pee
January 25, 2025 at 2:24 AM
Water On Journey To Become Pee
Don't read the news at night. It has the same effect as drinking 3 cups of coffee
January 25, 2025 at 1:43 AM
Don't read the news at night. It has the same effect as drinking 3 cups of coffee
Ugh, I locked my keys in my car again but are you okay? Because of me you had to walk five blocks to the bus stop in your new Jordans.
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
Enough About me, Are You Okay?
I dropped my phone in the toilet but are you okay?
open.substack.com
January 24, 2025 at 4:39 AM
Ugh, I locked my keys in my car again but are you okay? Because of me you had to walk five blocks to the bus stop in your new Jordans.
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
Heat Dome Planning A Summer Comeback Tour
January 23, 2025 at 5:59 AM
Heat Dome Planning A Summer Comeback Tour
“Tweet, tweet”
- To Kill a Mockingbird’s last words before being burned
- To Kill a Mockingbird’s last words before being burned
January 23, 2025 at 2:45 AM
“Tweet, tweet”
- To Kill a Mockingbird’s last words before being burned
- To Kill a Mockingbird’s last words before being burned
An Apology From The American People to the So-Called January 6th Insurrectionists
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
An Apology From the American People to the So-Called January 6th Insurrectionists
We're so, so, so sorry
open.substack.com
January 21, 2025 at 8:01 PM
An Apology From The American People to the So-Called January 6th Insurrectionists
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
Reposted by Briana
ME, GETTING IN BED: Alexa, play the white noise machine.
ALEXA: SWEET CAROLINE, BA BA BA. GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD. SO GOOD SO GOOD.
ME: Zzzzzzzz.
ALEXA: SWEET CAROLINE, BA BA BA. GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD. SO GOOD SO GOOD.
ME: Zzzzzzzz.
January 13, 2025 at 9:21 PM
ME, GETTING IN BED: Alexa, play the white noise machine.
ALEXA: SWEET CAROLINE, BA BA BA. GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD. SO GOOD SO GOOD.
ME: Zzzzzzzz.
ALEXA: SWEET CAROLINE, BA BA BA. GOOD TIMES NEVER FELT SO GOOD. SO GOOD SO GOOD.
ME: Zzzzzzzz.
who says the rich don't pay taxes
SCOOP: Apple CEO Tim Cook will personally donate $1 million to Trump's inaugural committee.
He believes the inauguration is a great American tradition and is donating to the inauguration in the spirit of unity.
He believes the inauguration is a great American tradition and is donating to the inauguration in the spirit of unity.
Scoop: Apple CEO Tim Cook donates $1 million to Trump inauguration
Cook joins other top CEOs and companies in making a seven-figure pledge.
www.axios.com
January 4, 2025 at 3:33 AM
who says the rich don't pay taxes
My New Year’s resolution is to share more about what I’m up to/my writing so I’m starting a newsletter and I’d love if you’d subscribe! open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
An American Girl Doll Who's Given Up | Briana | Substack
Funny things from comedy writer, video editor, and DVD owner, Briana Haynie. Click to read An American Girl Doll Who's Given Up, by Briana, a Substack publication. Launched 4 hours ago.
open.substack.com
December 31, 2024 at 4:21 AM
My New Year’s resolution is to share more about what I’m up to/my writing so I’m starting a newsletter and I’d love if you’d subscribe! open.substack.com/pub/brianaha...
Reposted by Briana
Who was in charge of font spacing for this episode of MR. ED?
December 29, 2024 at 11:29 PM
Who was in charge of font spacing for this episode of MR. ED?
A freelancers guide to screaming into a pillow
December 30, 2024 at 5:39 AM
A freelancers guide to screaming into a pillow
Jesus take the birth control pill
December 30, 2024 at 1:49 AM
Jesus take the birth control pill
We hate a man with opinions
Jimmy Carter defied the unwritten rule of former presidents: Don’t criticize the occupant of the Oval Office. In the four decades after leaving the White House following the 1980 election, he caused regular stirs with pointed opinions about his successors.
Carter the Critic Didn’t Spare His Successors
Jimmy Carter defied the unwritten rule of former presidents: Don’t criticize the occupant of the Oval Office.
www.nytimes.com
December 30, 2024 at 1:46 AM
We hate a man with opinions
Believe in yourself but like to do the dishes, nothing more
December 30, 2024 at 1:39 AM
Believe in yourself but like to do the dishes, nothing more
Answers to the question: do you want kids?
- please let me pee in peace.
- I must be dreaming, I know that dog didn’t just speak.
- when the aliens are done using me to procreate their own species, I’ll think about it.
- please let me pee in peace.
- I must be dreaming, I know that dog didn’t just speak.
- when the aliens are done using me to procreate their own species, I’ll think about it.
December 30, 2024 at 1:37 AM
Answers to the question: do you want kids?
- please let me pee in peace.
- I must be dreaming, I know that dog didn’t just speak.
- when the aliens are done using me to procreate their own species, I’ll think about it.
- please let me pee in peace.
- I must be dreaming, I know that dog didn’t just speak.
- when the aliens are done using me to procreate their own species, I’ll think about it.
Reposted by Briana
December 28, 2024 at 4:11 PM
Reposted by Briana
“And so the three billionaires departed in their self-driving vehicles.” By @brihaynie.bsky.social
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/behold-three...
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/behold-three...
December 18, 2024 at 4:02 PM
“And so the three billionaires departed in their self-driving vehicles.” By @brihaynie.bsky.social
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/behold-three...
Full piece: thebelladonnacomedy.com/behold-three...
Reposted by Briana
This is my biological clock
December 12, 2024 at 4:28 AM
This is my biological clock
I’m afraid my chiropractor will dump me for a client whose back makes a more satisfying crack
December 12, 2024 at 1:38 AM
I’m afraid my chiropractor will dump me for a client whose back makes a more satisfying crack
Based on a true story
medium.com/slackjaw/mas...
medium.com/slackjaw/mas...
Masters Courses For The Unemployed
Learn concepts such as: Pedagogies of bundling yourself in the covers like a burrito.
medium.com
November 21, 2024 at 6:35 PM
Based on a true story
medium.com/slackjaw/mas...
medium.com/slackjaw/mas...
This is my biological clock
November 20, 2024 at 6:56 AM
This is my biological clock