Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire)
@bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social
I'm the Pentagon's head policy guru (chief “undersecretary”) as well as the world’s most brilliant military strategist, cheese aficionado, and debonaire bon vivant. Like a finely aged Gruyère, I'm complex, subtle, and totally awesome. (satire)
Sigh, the survivors experienced an unexplained rapid disassembly like an Elon Musk rocket. Who can really say who or what is to blame? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
November 28, 2025 at 8:42 PM
Sigh, the survivors experienced an unexplained rapid disassembly like an Elon Musk rocket. Who can really say who or what is to blame? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
SecWar Pete and the @deptofwar.bsky.social approve!
The move is the latest step by authorities to regulate alcohol as Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman pushes to open up the country to attract more tourists and highly skilled foreign workers. on.ft.com/4of0tMR
November 28, 2025 at 8:34 PM
SecWar Pete and the @deptofwar.bsky.social approve!
SecWar Pete is da bomb (literally and figuratively). Because flagrant war crimes are the ultimate alpha move! Right?
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Pete Hegseth’s order to ‘kill everybody’ included alleged drug boat survivors: report
More than 80 people killed in campaign that law-of-war experts have labeled extrajudicial murder
www.the-independent.com
November 28, 2025 at 7:15 PM
SecWar Pete is da bomb (literally and figuratively). Because flagrant war crimes are the ultimate alpha move! Right?
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
He’s too busy getting swolt to go help represent Mother Russia. If @politico.com were legit, they’d at least include how many pull-ups and pushups he can do — 239 and 978, for the record. He also has his mile run time down to 3:36, which yes is a world record. But he’s too humble to say it himself!
Pete Hegseth is a no-show in Ukraine. That suits the White House just fine.
Pete Hegseth is a no-show in Ukraine. That suits the White House just fine.
The Defense secretary has carved out an unorthodox political niche that has helped insulate him from criticism inside the administration, at least for now.
dlvr.it
November 26, 2025 at 9:51 PM
He’s too busy getting swolt to go help represent Mother Russia. If @politico.com were legit, they’d at least include how many pull-ups and pushups he can do — 239 and 978, for the record. He also has his mile run time down to 3:36, which yes is a world record. But he’s too humble to say it himself!
I don’t know who this beardo is, but let’s be real Little Bunny Foo-Foo embodies SecWar Pete’s Warrior Ethos. The main reason we’re cutting off the Boy Scouts is that they no longer encourage Scouts to bop field mice on the head. And we all know why: DEI!
The character of Little Bunny Foo-Foo, when examined, is really dark & disturbing. Imagine the logistical reality of just RUNNING through a forest, randomly scooping up field mice only to bop them on the head and toss them aside. Insane behavior. Bunnies are herbivores; this is just wanton cruelty.
November 26, 2025 at 5:13 PM
I don’t know who this beardo is, but let’s be real Little Bunny Foo-Foo embodies SecWar Pete’s Warrior Ethos. The main reason we’re cutting off the Boy Scouts is that they no longer encourage Scouts to bop field mice on the head. And we all know why: DEI!
Yessir, SecWar Pete for the win! Once he recalls “Kelly” to active duty, he also plans to lick his face since that’s how he checks whether troops are properly shaved. No beardos!
November 25, 2025 at 3:52 PM
Yessir, SecWar Pete for the win! Once he recalls “Kelly” to active duty, he also plans to lick his face since that’s how he checks whether troops are properly shaved. No beardos!
We are absolutely not backtracking on this plan. I wrote the policy paper myself, and it’s currently on SecWar Pete’s desk right beside the printouts of his alpha workout routine.
Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot https://theonion.com/coast-guard-backtracks-on-plan-to-reclassify-swastikas-as-mascot/
November 24, 2025 at 8:13 PM
We are absolutely not backtracking on this plan. I wrote the policy paper myself, and it’s currently on SecWar Pete’s desk right beside the printouts of his alpha workout routine.
We’re actually investigating whether he’s ever eaten another human being (or part thereof). He claims it was of necessity, but that’s why we do investigations. We also may call back to duty and court martial Sen. Tammy Duckworth over an ugly rumor that she kicked a puppy in 2002.
November 24, 2025 at 7:29 PM
We’re actually investigating whether he’s ever eaten another human being (or part thereof). He claims it was of necessity, but that’s why we do investigations. We also may call back to duty and court martial Sen. Tammy Duckworth over an ugly rumor that she kicked a puppy in 2002.
Rough, can’t you at least call him “Alcoholic tv talk show chatterbox *with huge bulging biceps and beautiful alpha hair/skin* Pete Hegseth”? Credit where credit’s due and all…
This plaque is posted at West Point. Alcoholic TV talk show chatterbox Pete Hegseth wants to court-martial Arizona Senator Mark Kelly for repeating what is written on it.
November 24, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Rough, can’t you at least call him “Alcoholic tv talk show chatterbox *with huge bulging biceps and beautiful alpha hair/skin* Pete Hegseth”? Credit where credit’s due and all…
Everyone knows how hellah alpha I am, and how much I support SecWar Pete’s warrior ethos and badass workout routine. But zoinks, even I didn’t know the outer perimeters of alpha-dom…
Exclusive: The U.S. Coast Guard will no longer classify the swastika, nooses and the Confederate flag as hate symbols.
The military service drafted a new policy that classifies them as “potentially divisive.”
The military service drafted a new policy that classifies them as “potentially divisive.”
U.S. Coast Guard will no longer classify swastikas, nooses as hate symbols
The military service, which falls under the Department of Homeland Security, has drafted a new policy that classifies such items “potentially divisive.”
www.washingtonpost.com
November 20, 2025 at 7:56 PM
Everyone knows how hellah alpha I am, and how much I support SecWar Pete’s warrior ethos and badass workout routine. But zoinks, even I didn’t know the outer perimeters of alpha-dom…
Maybe Olivia would like to profile me? I have a JD from Yale and wrote the most important book ever written on foreign policy. I also know lots of great hiking spots on the Appalachian Trail…
November 18, 2025 at 2:27 AM
Maybe Olivia would like to profile me? I have a JD from Yale and wrote the most important book ever written on foreign policy. I also know lots of great hiking spots on the Appalachian Trail…
These are just titles from SecWar Pete’s movie collection, or that’s what he always tells us since he’s a self-proclaimed cinephile. Oh wait, now I get it. That’s an alpha move though right?
Malcolm Nance said these sound like the titles of porn movies.
November 16, 2025 at 2:47 AM
These are just titles from SecWar Pete’s movie collection, or that’s what he always tells us since he’s a self-proclaimed cinephile. Oh wait, now I get it. That’s an alpha move though right?
Not cool, @politico.com . Yall dump all little ol me but give Mikey N all this positive PR even though he doesn’t have a JD from Yale and didn’t write the most important book on foreign policy ever written like me. What’s a guy gotta do to get recognized for his unparalleled brilliance?
November 15, 2025 at 10:22 PM
Not cool, @politico.com . Yall dump all little ol me but give Mikey N all this positive PR even though he doesn’t have a JD from Yale and didn’t write the most important book on foreign policy ever written like me. What’s a guy gotta do to get recognized for his unparalleled brilliance?
November 15, 2025 at 6:55 PM
Sigh, we accidentally fired the guy who usually screws things in around the Pentagon. SecWar Pete also has to mop some floors later because we’re down a few janitors too.
November 15, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Sigh, we accidentally fired the guy who usually screws things in around the Pentagon. SecWar Pete also has to mop some floors later because we’re down a few janitors too.
I’ve finally made it to the big time!!!!
Wait, is this bad? It seems maybe not good…
Wait, is this bad? It seems maybe not good…
Republicans turn on Trump’s defense policy chief
Republicans turn on Trump’s defense policy chief
Administration allies say they are fed up with the Defense Department’s third-most senior leader and his foreign policy surprises.
dlvr.it
November 14, 2025 at 5:54 PM
I’ve finally made it to the big time!!!!
Wait, is this bad? It seems maybe not good…
Wait, is this bad? It seems maybe not good…
This is an easy one! Don Jr is an expert on all things drone (as well as MarioCary). I’m sure he’ll die it for a few billion, maybe even train them himself…
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/24/u...
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/24/u...
November 13, 2025 at 8:17 PM
This is an easy one! Don Jr is an expert on all things drone (as well as MarioCary). I’m sure he’ll die it for a few billion, maybe even train them himself…
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/24/u...
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/24/u...
For real though, it’s not like we’ve been using actual intelligence to find targets. If it’s a boat, and it’s moving, survey says bomb that sucker into oblivion. We’re here to put the “war” in Department of War!
NEWS: The UK is no longer sharing intelligence with the US about suspected drug trafficking vessels in the Caribbean because it does not want to be complicit in US military strikes and believes the attacks are illegal, sources familiar with the matter told CNN. edition.cnn.com/2025/11/11/p...
Exclusive: UK suspends some intelligence sharing with US over boat strike concerns in major break | CNN Politics
The United Kingdom is no longer sharing intelligence with the US about suspected drug trafficking vessels in the Caribbean because it does not want to be complicit in US military strikes and believes ...
edition.cnn.com
November 11, 2025 at 5:49 PM
For real though, it’s not like we’ve been using actual intelligence to find targets. If it’s a boat, and it’s moving, survey says bomb that sucker into oblivion. We’re here to put the “war” in Department of War!
SecWar Pete should at least get credit for being consistently, openly, and straightforwardly sexist. The Warrior Ethos is all about honesty and integrity and of course the sine qua non TradWives!
The first woman to serve with the elite SEAL Team Six as a troop commander has had her orders revoked just days before she was supposed to take over a new command.
Pentagon Pete Accused of Ousting Hero Who Was First Female in SEAL Team Six
The Navy captain’s orders were revoked just days before she was supposed to take over a new command.
trib.al
November 11, 2025 at 5:45 PM
SecWar Pete should at least get credit for being consistently, openly, and straightforwardly sexist. The Warrior Ethos is all about honesty and integrity and of course the sine qua non TradWives!
Why’s everyone always dumping on SecWar Pete!? I think it’s cool that he’s trying to communicate clearly with all the many, many millennials who run militaries and countries we consider to be adversaries. All these media wags are hellah 6-7 (and probably don’t even know what that means!).
Hegseth: "We are not building for peacetime. We are pivoting the Pentagon and our industrial base to a wartime footing. Building for victory should our adversaries FAFO."
November 7, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Why’s everyone always dumping on SecWar Pete!? I think it’s cool that he’s trying to communicate clearly with all the many, many millennials who run militaries and countries we consider to be adversaries. All these media wags are hellah 6-7 (and probably don’t even know what that means!).
Heroes come in all sizes.
We have reached a verdict: Not guilty.
November 6, 2025 at 7:36 PM
Heroes come in all sizes.
I honestly don’t see what the problem is. Germany has excellent cake, and the only thing better than cake is free cake.
NEW: The US Army website for its bases in Bavaria, Germany told its soldiers and employees that it might need to obtain free food from the German government during the US government shutdown.
The Army later altered publication to remove a list of food banks, but we have the original text here:
The Army later altered publication to remove a list of food banks, but we have the original text here:
US Army Tells Soldiers to Go to German Food Bank, Then Deletes It
The initial 'Shutdown Guidance' for the US Army Garrison Bavaria included instructions to go to German food banks.
www.404media.co
November 5, 2025 at 10:48 PM
I honestly don’t see what the problem is. Germany has excellent cake, and the only thing better than cake is free cake.
Look, Mike Lindell comped all us senior Dept of War leaders MyPillows so we threw them a few press badges. The only problem — if you can call it that — is I accidentally told him mine was a little lumpy. Whew boy, DO NOT CALL THEM LUMPY!
m.youtube.com/shorts/u1S1C...
m.youtube.com/shorts/u1S1C...
November 4, 2025 at 11:03 PM
Look, Mike Lindell comped all us senior Dept of War leaders MyPillows so we threw them a few press badges. The only problem — if you can call it that — is I accidentally told him mine was a little lumpy. Whew boy, DO NOT CALL THEM LUMPY!
m.youtube.com/shorts/u1S1C...
m.youtube.com/shorts/u1S1C...
I’d hate to be the guy in charge of this!
Oh wait, that’s me. Dammit.
www.defenseone.com/policy/2025/...
Oh wait, that’s me. Dammit.
www.defenseone.com/policy/2025/...
Pentagon’s policy shop is a ‘Pigpen-like’ mess: Sen. Cotton
Senate Armed Services Committee members from both parties question DOD missteps, actions that contravened president’s foreign-policy positions.
www.defenseone.com
November 4, 2025 at 10:50 PM
I’d hate to be the guy in charge of this!
Oh wait, that’s me. Dammit.
www.defenseone.com/policy/2025/...
Oh wait, that’s me. Dammit.
www.defenseone.com/policy/2025/...
We’re actually thinking about making her the Pentagon press secretary. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not so sure this is going to work out well for Hegseth.
November 4, 2025 at 9:46 PM
We’re actually thinking about making her the Pentagon press secretary. What could possibly go wrong?