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asylumofq.bsky.social
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@asylumofq.bsky.social
110 followers 170 following 0 posts
18+ ONLY
21. they/he/she/it. typing and shitposting the horny away 🫡
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cartamonir.com
I've been doing a lot of writing about how my escalating disability is affecting my self-image and sex life. This was originally posted on my patreon.
While I understand on an intellectual level that disability doesn’t equate to ugliness, there’s a deep emotional part of me that feels that I am now damaged in a way that has left me completely undesirable, sexually. Because I want to confront that feeling, I’m going to write down everything I think about myself that is hurtful, no matter how untrue. My hope is that by doing this I will be able to dismantle my own arguments and have a little more love for myself, even when it feels hard. Cruel things I feel about myself. Response to myself. The more disabled I become, the more inferior I am to any potential lover’s able-bodied sex partners. Response: I would never feel this way about a disabled friend or partner. Some of the best sex I've ever had has been with heavily disabled lovers. I love kink because of the options it gives me and the adaptability it encourages - there's so much more to sex than getting railed by a muscle guy or whatever Because of my disability, I can no longer top. In fact, the only thing I can do is passively lay on my back. Response: I know that even if I was a brain in a jar I could still top. Topping is a state of mind and choice, not a physical ability that can be lost. I can instruct a partner to hurt themselves, I can psychologically domme them. Asking for sex now that I’m disabled is only selfish, and I have nothing to offer my partner. Response: Patently false, coming from a girl who loves giving head without getting anything in return, and fucking a partner to orgasm without cumming myself. I am only able to take, and not give, pleasure. Response: I can give pleasure by accepting service and I can give pleasure by granting access to my unique and beautiful body. The only sex I can hope for is sex that is given to me out of pity. I am no longer a sexual equal to anyone able bodied. Response: There is nothing repulsive about disability and I don't want to have sex with anyone who sees me this way. In fact I'm very familiar with the concept of devotees who would hold my body in higher regard than an able body, and also love work by authors like Samuel Delaney whose love of the abject specifically prioritizes and fetishizes bodies similar to my own. Sexually, I am inconvenient and clumsy. I am not capable of anything other than awkward and, at best, functional requests for accommodation. I can no longer be spontaneous or inventive. Response: Spontaneity is not a physical ability. I'm creative and a notable pervert. I know that I can find ways to have sex no matter what my body is doing, often even more interestingly than if my body was completely able. Even though I am pretty, my prettiness is a source of pity and sadness to anyone who I want to have sex with. As in, “what a shame, she could have been attractive.” Response: People love me because of my transness, disability, resilience, creativity. I don't want to fuck anyone who would see me this way in the first place. The more disabled I become, the worse I smell and the less capable I am of cleaning myself effectively. Response: This is a thought in the voice of my father and is demonstrably untrue. Plus even if it was true, Samuel Delaney would think it's sexy. My pain tolerance has become worse because of my chronic pain, and I’m not even worth hurting anymore, because I’m not able to take nearly what I used to. Response: Pain isn't about high scores and I know and love this. If lower pain tolerance is a result of chronic pain, it makes me more responsive to my tops and even more fun to hurt. I love it when a bottom has low pain tolerance. It's not about making me tap out. It's about finding the edge and keeping me there. The idea of cruising or socializing with new people is laughable. I have nothing to offer other than inconveniences and subpar experiences. If I were to give a blowjob to someone, I would need to set my cane down next to me and it would be a pathetic sight. Response: I'm an interesting genius who is beautiful and I don't want to fuck anyone who would see me as lesser or gross for not being able and cis. I'm not limiting my options, I have the same options as I (the image cuts off, text continued on next image) (continuation of previous response) always had because I care about shared values in my partners and I wouldn't have stood for this before. Even seeing my disabled body makes people feel uncomfortable and like they need to accommodate or help me, which isn’t sexy at all. Response: This is projection because I feel uncomfortable. Nobody I want to fuck would see me this way. If anything I'm interested in people who can pervert and fetishize their discomfort, like I do. When I push myself and have sex the way I want to, it results in me getting hurt in a way that discourages me or my partner from wanting to try again. What's the point if I'm just going to get hurt? Response: Kink and sex are about making informed decisions re: risk. It's not different from risking an STI or an extreme bondage/pain scene going wrong. The more I'm honest with myself and my partners about my desire and understanding of whatever risks I'm taking, the better sex I allow myself to have. (There's a dividing line indicating a section break) My fantasies have become more violent, centering around the destruction of my body. I keep having an intrusive daydream about getting fucked with a glass bottle, its serrated cap still on, tearing and perforating the inside of my ass until I am bleeding and beyond repair. Response: This is hot, keep it up
November 28, 2024 at 1:37 AM
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goddexxmayari.bsky.social
2025 freak bingo 🖤
January 1, 2025 at 1:49 AM