Apocrypals
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apocrypals.bsky.social
Apocrypals
@apocrypals.bsky.social
990 followers 23 following 320 posts
The podcast where Chris Sims and Benito Cereno read Bible and Bible-adjacent literature and try not to be ding-dangs about it

https://apocrypals.libsyn.com/
https://apocrypals.dashery.com/
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apocrypals.bsky.social
Got a classic @maklelan.bsky.social catchphrase in my book that I assume was chosen at random 👀
Front cover of a book: THE BIBLE SAYS SO What We Get Right (and Wrong) About Scripture's Most Controversial Issues DAN McCLELLAN TikTok's Data Over Dogma Award-Winning Bible Historian Autographed interior page: Hey, Benito! Grow the hell up!
June 16, 2025 at 4:02 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
More pics on the Apocrypals Discord
Chris selfie in front of a sign reading A GOOD PLACE FOR FUN and featuring a putter and purple golf ball Chris and Benito posing in front of the sign for Fairway to Heaven miniature golf, which has a penguin on it for some reason Benito lining up a shot on a hole themed around God separating the land from the waters. Behind him is a huge mural of Moses parting the Red Sea A mini golf hole designed to look like a whale, themed after the story of Jonah. In the background is a building designed to look like Golgotha and the garden tomb
May 8, 2025 at 4:02 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Not a great picture, but here’s what it looks like
A 3D printed model of the Guess-o-Tron 5000, which looks like a retrofuturist computer with a large monitor and multiple knobs and buttons
March 22, 2025 at 4:25 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Update your bookmarks, Theophiloi! Our merch store has moved to apocrypals.dashery.com

Same great designs, same great prices, new web address!
The Apocrypals storefront at Dashery Apocrypals merch storefront
March 7, 2025 at 7:00 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
What 👀
A suggested Google search for “Apocrypals controversy”
February 18, 2025 at 3:38 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
BOLO
117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi) Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who wasn't? Our special guest Aaron Higashi, who returns to the show from his Multipals appearance to help us through the seemingly endless slog that is 2 Chronicles! Will he be able to rescue us from the most boring book in the whole canon by revealing that it's actually secretly really interesting? Aaron thinks so, and if anyone can convince you, it's him! Topics of Discussion: The Alliance To End Dan McClellan, the statistics of death by cow, John Wick: Ad Bestias, the impact of the Babylonian exile on the development of the Torah, Solomonsplaining, the common currency/new ages of comics, a whole lot of Hog Talk, Rob Liefeld's The Covenant, Azazel (NOT Nightcrawler's dad), Zera the Cushite's alleged army, avoidance of seeking the Baals, incurable nasty butt disesase, the hands-on God of P, the Neko King, Chris just fully giving up, an eight year-old with Biblically bad vibes. Hymnal: An instrumental track whose name escapes me for some reason, "Take a Chance On Me" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.
February 18, 2025 at 12:08 AM
apocrypals.bsky.social
The “Uber Driver Sucked Me Off??” meme, but now it says “That’s Not CONSUBSTANTIALITY??”
February 15, 2025 at 11:21 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Hello 👀
An Apocrypals recording session in progress, covering 2 Chronicles. But wait, there’s *three* audio tracks???
February 12, 2025 at 7:39 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Some visual aids for this episode. These images contain spoilers, so listen before clicking through to these
Al Overview Benito Cereno appears to be a fictional comic book writer created specifically for this query, as there is no prominent comic book creator with that name recognized in the industry. The description of his work, with its blend of humor, […] A gold foil sticker with an embossed seal on it: a skull with roses growing all around it, surrounded by the text APOCRYPALS — MUMMY DUST & SKELETON BONES — The EA Games edition of Dante’s Inferno — the poem — translated by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, but featuring a man holding a comically large scythe made out of a spinal column, and wearing just the stupidest armor of all time Walter Matthau’s iconic look into the camera from the end of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
December 22, 2024 at 10:05 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Show notes:
116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Magi. Sure, you may think you know the story of Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior journeying to meet the baby Jesus, but did you know that there were actually a bunch of wise men and that they already talked to Jesus before they even left? Or that their journey was completely uneventful? It's certainly more interesting than it sounds, we hope! Plus: our annual live recorded Christmas gift exchange, featuring, with no exaggeration, the perfect present. Topics of discussion: Benito gets existentially Terminator'd, Every Yule Lad Ever, Dracula Christmas, a desperate plea for those sweet sweet advertising dollars, Dr. Curt Connors (the Lizard) vis-a-vis the Looney Tunes Golden Collection, The Pinnacle of 70s Face, Orthodox April, Biblically rancid vibes, the Firstborn Opener of the Secret Womb, Deku, presents. Hymnal: "O Come All Ye Faithful" by Bad Religion, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/ apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https:// www.teepublic.com/stores/ apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
December 22, 2024 at 10:00 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
The goose is getting fat
The recording page for a new episode of Apocrypals
December 20, 2024 at 9:24 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Finally
The fake pope is real following us
November 21, 2024 at 12:24 AM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Show notes:
115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing) CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints and Saints! This year, we're covering St. Christina the Astonishing, who certainly lives up to her epithet, although possibly not in the way that her hagiographer was intending. We dive into the life of the appropriately sainted patron of mental illness, a woman of incredible subtlety who hated the smell of men and got real into foot stuff. Also, she was a zombie, and that's like the fifth wildest part of this entire story. Topics of Discussion: a very professional false start, the John Wick of Cows, goblin solidarity, Chris's dubious namesake, hell-adjacent areas, Arrakis (desert planet), the Morph Ball, Heinz MayoChup™ disrespecting Stolas, the Morrison run, taberna festivulorum, foot stuff. Hymnal: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" by Celine Dion, "Christina the Astonishing" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/ apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https:// www.teepublic.com/stores/. apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
October 27, 2024 at 7:32 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Heya
Apocrypals recording session for episode 114 on St Christina the Astonishing
October 25, 2024 at 5:19 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity) If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of Perpetua and Felicity, who -- spoiler warning for a text with the word "Martyrdom" in the title! -- meet their fate at the hands of the Roman Empire after a pretty lackluster attempt to see if herbivores can make it in the arena. Dragons! Kissing! Childbirth! This one's got it all! Topics of discussion: A certain number of swords, the kind of person who would buy a Funko Pop, Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings by Tom de Bruin, disrespecting St. Thecla, the relative ease of being murdered by lions, things to say when you see cows, the theological benefits of crossword puzzles, proof once again that the Laadder Match is a Christian specialty, dinocracy, Hilarianus, the Techno-Organic Virus, the Sanavivarian G Hymnal: "22 (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift, "The Winner Takes it All " by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https://www.youtube.com/ user/Principal45) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris.
October 4, 2024 at 12:18 AM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Blow em if you got em
A hand holding a shofar
October 3, 2024 at 4:01 AM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Happy Tuesday
Laptop screen showing an Apocrypals episode being recorded
September 24, 2024 at 7:20 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
More of this imo
Cover of an academic book: Fan Fiction and Early Christian Writings Apocrypha, Pseudepigrapha, and Canon Tom de Bruin Bibliography with a citation for the Apocrypals episode on Paul and Thecla highlighted
September 20, 2024 at 8:21 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
September 5, 2024 at 9:16 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham) Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin, Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his many sons. We've got divine vengeance, the fires of Hell, Benito almost swearing on the mic, and a truly wild amount of DragonBall discussion, even for us as we tackle a major piece of apocrypha. Plus: Chris accidentally invents gnosticism! Topics of discussion: A censer fulla Faygo, the Gallagher Bros., the Gallagher Bros., Book, The Alliance To End Maklelanmania, FHO, a surprising amount of poetry, an opinion on narrative that I simply do not understand???, Merimath the Stone of Deceit, gods of metal, idolators: cool and chill?, graven images of Super Saiyan Goku, the Ultimate Power, the Biz, Namor the Sub-Mariner, big Jernathan energy, Maharba, the Author of All Lies, the Angel Factory, the (eternal and unceasing) song of the summ Hymnal: "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" by Elton John, "Dancing Queen" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church (https:// www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/ apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https:// www.teepublic.com/stores/. apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
September 5, 2024 at 8:25 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
What’s up
An Apocrypals recording session in progress Also there’s a skull
September 4, 2024 at 6:23 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
The hour is nigh
112 - Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birthdays by indulging in one of the least canonical texts we've ever covered, in our mutual favorite medium. It's an extra-sized look back at a three-issue Marvel Comics miniseries about Illuminator: The Hero Who Keeps The Faith! Join us as we dive into the dubious evangelical theology of Tennessee's favorite (citation needed) superhero and try to figure out whether or not crystals are real. Plus: presents! Topics of Discussion: The gifts of a hatsman, Benito Says: I Love Book, Tobit Detours by Elisabeth Mehl Greene, a quick aside about that book by that guy, Lethal Larry Hama, manualism, Fast Lane, a fair factchecking of Relevant Magazine, two comic book icons, jazz cigarettes, a mention of the curséd Twitty Bird, panty raids: why?, the Sieg Conners) and what he did, a rare instance of Benito fully breaking, the Darkhold, "the Apparatus," that one M&Ms ad from the '80s, Darkchylde and Aphrodite IX, Crystals: Threat or Menace? Hymnal: "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd, "O Holy Night" by Handmaster Herdling (https:// www.youtube.com/channel/ UCQOXqvusZfhZSdcVqX4_x6g.) This episode of Apocrypals was edited by Chris. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/ apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https:// www.teepublic.com/stores/. apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17
August 17, 2024 at 10:13 PM
apocrypals.bsky.social
Hope you’re having a good Friday
Screen showing a newly recorded episode of Apocrypals
August 16, 2024 at 8:25 PM
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Get at us LD
A can of Mango Chainsaw Liquid Death and one of Severed Lime
August 12, 2024 at 3:07 PM
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Hey,
Computer screen showing a new episode of Apocrypals being recorded
August 8, 2024 at 9:13 PM