starting a thread of NPC names I invented that made my D&D party so mad they yelled at me

Cahhh #asmcar

nearly twelve years ago, I tweeted “wook it up on googoo.” I no longer hold these beliefs. now I implore us all instead to go outside, finding the nearest vista. get on the ground, feeling the earth’s support, and take a vow to no longer seek answers. as answers can only be evident within siwence

Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%

"Look, I don't make the rules." —Me, right after making up a rule.

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

interviewer: it says here you can write good

me: well

interviewer: well what

me: write well

interviewer: *writes well on note paper*

me: no I write well

interviewer: *hands me a sheet of paper*

me: *sighs* yes I write good

[egg factory]

me: six eggs hatched

boss: out of how many

me (has studied the first rule of egg counting): impossible to know

boss: good

Me: Imagine if every tear was an egg and every time you started crying there was 10-50 broken eggs on you. You leave a funeral and it’s like “crunch crunch crunch” (if the person was beloved).

Genie: That's your wish?

Me: No, we're just talking. Just being friends right now.

[whispering to date while watching Oppenheimer when Oppenheimer first appears on the screen] That's Oppenheimer