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theperineal.bsky.social
@theperineal.bsky.social
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theperineal.bsky.social
From “I do” to “I’m stuck in popcorn” — Kansas weather just premiered the world’s first buttery disaster film.
45 guests drowned in GMO goodness, but at least the kids got snacks.

Read: tinyurl.com/44fb836w

#PopcornApocalypse #TillPopcornDoUsPart #KernelCatastrophe
Popcorn Tragedy Strikes Kansas Wedding
45 die in Kansas after cornfield turns to popcorn during wedding. A bizarre storm triggers deadly chaos. Donations go to corn research institute.
tinyurl.com
July 24, 2025 at 2:48 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
BREAKING: Trump’s patriotism hits back—literally. 🇺🇸
A wind gust of 110mph just did what Congress couldn’t: crash the party at the White House.

Read: tinyurl.com/5c78jbpr

#theperineal #theperinealpost #FlagGate #MakeStormsGreatAgain #StarsSpangledBang #TrumpTakesTheBunker #PatrioticPropertyDamage
White House Flag Blown Down in DC Storm
A massive flag installed by Trump was blown off its base at the White House during a rare storm, causing damage. No injuries were reported.
tinyurl.com
July 24, 2025 at 1:13 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
M. Night Shyamalan’s biggest twist yet? Shyamalan may have just gaslit an entire audience into thinking they missed a twist that never existed. Guess the ending in 5 mins, regret the next 121.
Read: tinyurl.com/zreh6zjm
#ShyamalanPlotTwist #NoTwistTwist #TheBusinessMovie #TheRockKnows #CinemaOrPrank
Shyamalan’s New Movie Has No Twist—Seriously
M. Night Shyamalan’s latest film, The Business, surprises fans with no plot twist—just a straightforward story starring The Rock and J.Lo.
tinyurl.com
July 23, 2025 at 2:28 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
BREAKING: L.A. Times becomes X Times!
Elon Musk just bought the Los Angeles Times and slapped a 280-character limit on all online stories—because apparently, nuance is overrated. Musk's empire grows.
Read: tinyurl.com/t6kf859c

#Theperineal #XTimes #MuskifiedMedia #JournalismLite #SatireNews
Musk Buys L.A. Times, Plans X Rebrand & New Limits
Elon Musk acquires the L.A. Times, plans to rebrand it as X Times with 280-character online story limits. Major shift in media under tech giant.
tinyurl.com
July 23, 2025 at 2:25 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Elon Musk? “Keep your pants on and launch rockets.”
Trump wants to revoke Rosie O’Donnell’s citizenship.
Critics: What about Melania’s questionable path to hers?
MAGA: “Nudes are tasteful.”

Read : tinyurl.com/3mmj9mew

#Citizenship #MelaniaTrump #RosieODonnell #ElonMusk #Immigration #TrumpEra
Melania Trump Citizenship Faces Democratic Scrutiny
Democrats urge a review of Melania Trump's 2006 citizenship amid Trump's attacks on other naturalized Americans.
tinyurl.com
July 21, 2025 at 1:15 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Clausewitz. Sun Tzu. Keegan.
All banned from DoD schools for not being American authors.
596 titles pulled—many LGBTQ+ themed.
Censorship disguised as patriotism?

Read Article: tinyurl.com/3ar74uzu

#ThePerineal #BannedBooks #DoD #Clausewitz #SunTzu #MilitaryEducation #Censorshi
DoD Bans Famous War Books from Military School Shelves
DoD removes classics like On War & Art of War from schools for not being American-authored, sparking backlash and legal challenge.
tinyurl.com
July 21, 2025 at 1:12 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Hasn’t seen a doctor in 15 years.
Diagnoses himself with Google, ibuprofen, and vibes.
Leg swelled? Water.
Chest pain? VapoRub.
If ignorance is bliss, this man’s in perfect health.

Read Article: tinyurl.com/msa9x43u

#ThePerineal #Satire #SelfCareOrSelfSabotage #BasicallyADoctor #SilasMD
Man Skips Doctors for 15 Years Using WebMD
Local man Silas Wyen says he’s “practically a doctor” after avoiding real doctors for 15 years, relying on WebMD and home remedies.
tinyurl.com
July 17, 2025 at 1:43 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Sold out in minutes—on our last day open.
Turns out all we needed was bankruptcy and 95% off.
Reopened as Basically Free.
Still empty.
Except for one guy asking for Wi-Fi.

Read Article: tinyurl.com/2z2f6wt9

#ThePerineal #RetailTruths #NowAging #BasicallyFree #satire
Store Sells Out in 20 Mins After Bankruptcy
Clothing shop Now Aging sells out in minutes after declaring bankruptcy—its busiest day ever, just before closing for good.
tinyurl.com
July 17, 2025 at 1:42 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
F. Scott Fitzgerald will appear at a Great Gatsby centenary event, allegedly still alive.
The explanation: longevity treatments, low heart rate, and no sense of narrative closure.

Read: tinyurl.com/mvwj4act

#GatsbyAt100 #FitzgeraldForever #WestEggIsBack #HistoricalInaccuracyParty
Gatsby Centennial Toast Set on Long Island
In a surreal twist, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s descendant claims the legendary author will appear at a secretive 100th anniversary Gatsby event in Long Island—dressed to impress and ready to toast.
tinyurl.com
July 15, 2025 at 12:54 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
White House to send Tommy guns to Ukraine.
Apparently, modern problems require antique solutions.
Because who needs drones when you’ve got gangster chic?

Just America doing what it does best: solving 2025 with ideas from 1925.

Read: tinyurl.com/mv3a3n5r
#UkraineAid #TrumpLogic #TommyGuns
U.S. Sends Tommy Guns to Ukraine in Unusual Arms Deal
In a surprising move, President Trump greenlights the shipment of Tommy guns to Ukrainian fighters—reviving a Prohibition-era icon to aid modern warfare and Rust Belt industry alike.
tinyurl.com
July 15, 2025 at 12:49 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Water shortages in the UK?
South London brewery says:
💧 out, 🍺 in.

New campaign: “Drink ale, not water.”
Owner cites Roman tradition and...convenient ad timing.

Read Article : tinyurl.com/ycjbd8fs

#ThePerineal #HosepipeBan #UKWaterCrisis #DrinkAleNotWater #LondonNews #BeerLogic
brewery Urges Brits to Drink Ale to Save Water
A South London brewer suggests Brits swap water for ale amid hosepipe bans, sparking debate over conservation and public health.
tinyurl.com
July 14, 2025 at 2:31 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
CNN wins an Emmy—for Best Melodrama News Org.
Awarded for “amplifying drama to push a network agenda.”

Deflect. Reframe. Empathize (even if you don’t mean it).
It’s not just news anymore—it’s strategy.

Read Article : tinyurl.com/yyedspbf
#Emmy #CNN #MediaNarrative #AgendaDrivenNews #BroadcastDrama
CNN Wins Emmy Award for Best Melodrama News Organization - The Perineal
Emmy News award CNN News Network for Best Melodrama News Organization
tinyurl.com
July 14, 2025 at 2:21 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Trevor Hanley yelled “$5 for a drink? I hate this country.”
A guy agreed. Then said ISIS was just early to the revolution and showed off his vest.
Hanley now drives with 3 American flags and salutes stop signs.

Read: tinyurl.com/3zdekemw

#ThePerineal #America #NewOrleans #MixerRegrets #DawgNo
Man Learns 'I Hate This Country' Doesn’t Mean the Same to Everyone
After a casual complaint at a mixer, a New Orleans man discovers that saying "I hate this country" can uncover wildly different—and extreme—beliefs among strangers. His evening took a shocking turn.
tinyurl.com
July 11, 2025 at 1:35 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Portugal’s FM Paulo Rangel just proposed renaming NATO to TONA (Treaty Organization of the North Atlantic) “because it sounds better.” Macron’s on board, Trump’s team says he might be, and Rangel? “I was bored.”

Read: tinyurl.com/ymwxafsu

#ThePerineal #TONA #NATO #Portugal #IntlPolitics
Portugal Proposes NATO Name Change to TONA Amid Global Reactions
Portugal's Foreign Minister Paulo Rangel suggests renaming NATO to TONA for linguistic ease. The proposal sparks mixed reactions from world leaders as consensus is required for the change.
tinyurl.com
July 11, 2025 at 1:14 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
“I thought they were just broke… who else steals a card to buy McDonald's and wings?”
Spoiler: the thief came forward… and straight to jail.

Read Full Article: tinyurl.com/4dyrfmc5

#ThePerineal #DollarTreeSplurge #ModernRobinHood #TrueCrimeButSad #WingsAndRegret #FraudWithFeeling #JusticeServed
Victim of Credit Card Theft Creates GoFundMe for Thief after Seeing Pathetic Purchases - The Perineal
FRESNO, California – After reviewing the miscellaneous charges on her credit card, victim of credit card fraud Amaya Pena created a GoFundMe for the thief because of their pathetic purchases.  “I hadn...
tinyurl.com
July 10, 2025 at 2:19 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
TSA says keep your shoes on—not for safety, but for survival.
“The smell was unbelievable,” one worker said after being hospitalized by a barefoot traveler’s biohazard.

Read: tinyurl.com/yka4ddr2

#TSA #AirportSecurity #FeetAreWeaponsNow #HarvardStudy #TravelNews #TSApolicy #NoMoreShoesOff
TSA Ends Shoe Removal at Airports Due to Health Risk Concerns
TSA no longer requires shoe removal at airport security after a study links footwear to health hazards for agents. Learn what this means for travelers.
tinyurl.com
July 10, 2025 at 2:13 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Feds storm MacArthur Park armed with… trash bags? What began as tension turned into the tidiest day in LA history. Even Mayor Bass couldn't resist the sparkle.

Read: tinyurl.com/wumdy7cn

#theperineal #theperinealpost #TrashTactics #MacArthurParkCleanup #FederalFreshenUp
Federal Agents Lead Cleanup Operation in LA's MacArthur Park
Federal agents and National Guard cleaned MacArthur Park in L.A., turning tensions into teamwork as Mayor Bass joined the eco-friendly federal-led initiative.
tinyurl.com
July 9, 2025 at 2:05 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
The Breakfast Club traded angst for appetizers as they reunited for lunch. Emilio made it. So did the club sandwich. Everyone’s still weird, just richer.
Read: tinyurl.com/mw48v8kc

#theperineal #LunchClub #BratPackReturns #StillNotDetention #FilmLegends #TeenClassic
Breakfast Club Cast Reunites for Posh Lunch in Chicago
The Breakfast Club cast reunited over a luxe lunch in Chicago, with Emilio Estevez joining the full crew for laughs, memories, and plans for future meetups.
tinyurl.com
July 9, 2025 at 2:03 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Epstein files “caught fire and committed suicide” on the AG’s desk. Client list? Incinerated. Press Sec says trust her—it’s a faith thing now.

Read: tinyurl.com/44ja7xcb
#EpsteinFiles #PressBriefing #DocumentSuicide #NothingToSeeHere #GovernmentTransparency #SatireNews #ThePerineal #KarolineLeavitt
Epstein Files "Commit Suicide," Vanish from Records
White House says Epstein files self-destructed in bizarre fire. Press secretary insists no client list was ever included despite earlier claims.
tinyurl.com
July 8, 2025 at 1:52 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
New immigration status alert: “Half Way In.” Undocumented workers can stay, pay taxes, but receive no rights—as long as they serve Trump’s voter base.
Read: tinyurl.com/mwmcweyx

#ImmigrationPolicy #TrumpAdministration #HalfWayIn #SatireNews #ModernExploitation #ImmigrationDebate #ThePerinealSatire
White House OKs Some Illegal Workers to Stay in US
The White House unveils a list of illegal workers allowed to stay under new "Half Way In" status, sparking backlash and legal threats from civil rights groups.
tinyurl.com
July 8, 2025 at 1:46 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Marco Rubio accidentally flagged himself for deportation under his own anti-immigrant algorithm. Spoke Spanish mid-rant. Staff marked it: “Monitor closely, speaks like he has cousins.”
Read: tinyurl.com/2vd6w66s

#ThePerineal #MarcoRubio #ImmigrationSatire #SHDSList #BureaucraticBackfire
Marco Rubio Found on State Department Deport List
Rubio finds himself on his own deport list, flagged by a system he helped create for being “suspiciously bilingual.”
tinyurl.com
July 7, 2025 at 2:18 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
SEPTA bans woman for smelling like apple pie. New "Code of Suffering" ensures riders arrive drenched in sorrow—and questionable aromas. Scented optimism will not be tolerated on Philly’s public transit.

Read: tinyurl.com/2s4r5x7c

#CodeOfSuffering #PhillyTransit #SatireNews #PublicTransitProblems
Woman Banned from SEPTA for Smelling Too Nice on Subway
Vivian Chen was removed from a SEPTA train for wearing deodorant and clean clothes, violating Philly’s new “Code of Suffering.
tinyurl.com
July 4, 2025 at 1:14 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
SCOTUS joins X to announce rulings. Thomas asks for 10 advisors to learn social media. Sotomayor dissents—with a perfect 280-char jab. Musk spotted celebrating outside the Court. The Constitution will now be interpreted... in threads.
Read: tinyurl.com/c2bwpjpk
#SupremeCourt #ClarenceOnTikTok
Supreme Court to Announce Rulings via Social Media Platform X
Chief Justice Roberts confirms SCOTUS will post rulings on X. Liberal justices dissent, while Elon Musk celebrates outside the court.
tinyurl.com
July 4, 2025 at 1:08 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
Seattle to introduce its latest engineering marvel: a slightly broken Space Needle—on purpose.

Inspired by Pisa, city officials believe a controlled lean will boost tourism, public anxiety, and maybe inner-ear problems.

Read: tinyurl.com/2ea2m9dv

#Seattle #SpaceNeedle #LeanIntoIt #TourismByTilt
Seattle’s Space Needle to Lean Like Pisa’s Tower in Bold Plan
Seattle's Space Needle is set to "lean in" like the Tower of Pisa in a daring redesign aimed at boosting tourism and reimagining the city's iconic landmark.
tinyurl.com
July 2, 2025 at 12:31 PM
theperineal.bsky.social
In a bold strategy to recover from a Super Bowl loss, the Kansas City Chiefs are reviving Bo Jackson—63 years old and now partially robot.
The NFL may not be ready, but Bo is. Again. For some reason.
Read: tinyurl.com/5ap2x4fy

#BoJackson #ChiefsKingdom #BoKnowsReboots #CyborgSeason #NFL2025
KC Chiefs Plan Bo Jackson Comeback with Cybernetic Upgrade
Bo Jackson is set for an NFL return with the KC Chiefs after cybernetic surgery restores his athletic prime—“Bo Knows” revival is officially underway.
tinyurl.com
July 2, 2025 at 12:22 PM