Marty Lawrence
@teaandcopy.bsky.social
Same old puns, brand new place.
[restaurant]
WIFE: you’re wearing crocs
ME: so?
WIFE: I hate crocs
[next table]
CROCODILE: I'm going over there
HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff
WIFE: you’re wearing crocs
ME: so?
WIFE: I hate crocs
[next table]
CROCODILE: I'm going over there
HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff
September 16, 2025 at 6:37 PM
[restaurant]
WIFE: you’re wearing crocs
ME: so?
WIFE: I hate crocs
[next table]
CROCODILE: I'm going over there
HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff
WIFE: you’re wearing crocs
ME: so?
WIFE: I hate crocs
[next table]
CROCODILE: I'm going over there
HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff
mid-00s emo bands be like: “this song is about when my father committed suicide and I lost everything and became a manic depressive and it’s called Burt’s Pink Minivan Got Broken Into On New Year’s Eve In 1996”
May 14, 2025 at 9:39 AM
mid-00s emo bands be like: “this song is about when my father committed suicide and I lost everything and became a manic depressive and it’s called Burt’s Pink Minivan Got Broken Into On New Year’s Eve In 1996”
brb pitching ‘Pope Idol’ to ITV2
April 21, 2025 at 3:09 PM
brb pitching ‘Pope Idol’ to ITV2
TOP TIP: Make Easter easier by replacing the 't' with an 'i'.
April 20, 2025 at 11:55 AM
TOP TIP: Make Easter easier by replacing the 't' with an 'i'.
tbf to Katy Perry, if I dated Russell Brand I'd want to get as far away from him as possible too
April 14, 2025 at 9:34 AM
tbf to Katy Perry, if I dated Russell Brand I'd want to get as far away from him as possible too
I’ve just been to Sainsbury’s and the eggs, flour and milk aisles are totally empty. So sick of this mass pancake-buying.
March 4, 2025 at 11:04 AM
I’ve just been to Sainsbury’s and the eggs, flour and milk aisles are totally empty. So sick of this mass pancake-buying.
VALENTINE'S DAY TIP: If your wife complains that you never buy her flowers, simply claim you didn't know she sold them.
February 14, 2025 at 10:01 AM
VALENTINE'S DAY TIP: If your wife complains that you never buy her flowers, simply claim you didn't know she sold them.
Who's got a date for Valentine's Day then? Mine's February 14th.
February 12, 2025 at 11:33 AM
Who's got a date for Valentine's Day then? Mine's February 14th.
Hats off to those braving the wind today.
January 24, 2025 at 3:37 PM
Hats off to those braving the wind today.
I placed £1,000 on a horse but lost it all. It's really windy out there.
January 24, 2025 at 2:09 PM
I placed £1,000 on a horse but lost it all. It's really windy out there.
Happy 'Copy and Paste Your Response Every Time Someone Asks How Your Christmas Break Was' Day to all those who celebrate.
January 6, 2025 at 9:44 AM
Happy 'Copy and Paste Your Response Every Time Someone Asks How Your Christmas Break Was' Day to all those who celebrate.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop attaching so much importance to whether strangers on the internet like my jokes or not. Please like and repost. Please
January 3, 2025 at 7:19 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to stop attaching so much importance to whether strangers on the internet like my jokes or not. Please like and repost. Please
ME: for new year's, I'm giving up
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand
December 31, 2024 at 9:44 PM
ME: for new year's, I'm giving up
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand
KIDS YESTERDAY: Only one more sleep until Christmas!
PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!
PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!
December 25, 2024 at 7:00 AM
KIDS YESTERDAY: Only one more sleep until Christmas!
PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!
PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!
Just been tracking Santa with the kids. Reckon I’ll get a clear shot when he emerges from this next house.
December 24, 2024 at 11:59 AM
Just been tracking Santa with the kids. Reckon I’ll get a clear shot when he emerges from this next house.
if anyone needs someone to come to their front door and scoff the cookie and neck the whiskey their kids have left out tomorrow night just let me know (willing to travel)
December 23, 2024 at 4:54 PM
if anyone needs someone to come to their front door and scoff the cookie and neck the whiskey their kids have left out tomorrow night just let me know (willing to travel)
DOCTOR: your test results have come back negative
ME: thank god
DOCTOR: you took a personality test
ME: oh no
ME: thank god
DOCTOR: you took a personality test
ME: oh no
December 20, 2024 at 11:19 AM
DOCTOR: your test results have come back negative
ME: thank god
DOCTOR: you took a personality test
ME: oh no
ME: thank god
DOCTOR: you took a personality test
ME: oh no
ME: I can't turn the tap on!
AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it
ME: we call it a tap
AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it
ME: we call it a tap
December 19, 2024 at 3:58 PM
ME: I can't turn the tap on!
AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it
ME: we call it a tap
AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it
ME: we call it a tap
Reposted by Marty Lawrence
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
December 17, 2024 at 11:08 PM
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
Cream-coloured ponies
Crisp apple strudels
Doorbells
Sleigh bells
Schnitzel with noodles
Pint of milk
Loaf of bread
Dishwasher tablets
Crisp apple strudels
Doorbells
Sleigh bells
Schnitzel with noodles
Pint of milk
Loaf of bread
Dishwasher tablets
December 18, 2024 at 10:22 AM
Cream-coloured ponies
Crisp apple strudels
Doorbells
Sleigh bells
Schnitzel with noodles
Pint of milk
Loaf of bread
Dishwasher tablets
Crisp apple strudels
Doorbells
Sleigh bells
Schnitzel with noodles
Pint of milk
Loaf of bread
Dishwasher tablets
ME: our son asked me to do his homework for him today
WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right
ME: exactly what I sai–
WIFE: I’d better do it instead
WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right
ME: exactly what I sai–
WIFE: I’d better do it instead
December 17, 2024 at 2:28 PM
ME: our son asked me to do his homework for him today
WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right
ME: exactly what I sai–
WIFE: I’d better do it instead
WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right
ME: exactly what I sai–
WIFE: I’d better do it instead
[filling car up]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]
１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]
３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]
１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]
３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
December 17, 2024 at 9:20 AM
[filling car up]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]
１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]
３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]
１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]
３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
son: I'm a meth addict
british dad: I think you'll find it's meths
british dad: I think you'll find it's meths
December 16, 2024 at 5:26 PM
son: I'm a meth addict
british dad: I think you'll find it's meths
british dad: I think you'll find it's meths
‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is my favourite Christmas song about a woman held captive and being plied with alcohol against her will
December 13, 2024 at 7:00 PM
‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is my favourite Christmas song about a woman held captive and being plied with alcohol against her will
rawdogged every single commute for the entirety of 2024 so my spotify wrapped will just be the angry voices arguing in my head no it won't be yes it will
December 4, 2024 at 9:47 AM
rawdogged every single commute for the entirety of 2024 so my spotify wrapped will just be the angry voices arguing in my head no it won't be yes it will