Man, I fucking love the dispensary. There's no other place where I'm gonna be able to stand in line next to a little old lady and listen about how bad the Cap'n Kush fucked her up last night.
December 12, 2023 at 9:51 PM
Man, I fucking love the dispensary. There's no other place where I'm gonna be able to stand in line next to a little old lady and listen about how bad the Cap'n Kush fucked her up last night.
Thanks to autocorrect my mom thinks I'm bringing asshole pie to Thanksgiving.
November 9, 2023 at 1:57 AM
Thanks to autocorrect my mom thinks I'm bringing asshole pie to Thanksgiving.
Well it's November 1st. Time for the annual toenail clipping.
November 1, 2023 at 10:48 PM
Well it's November 1st. Time for the annual toenail clipping.
Last year I had 3 trick or treaters so this year I bought enough candy for 1,000 of them just to be safe.
October 31, 2023 at 10:53 PM
Last year I had 3 trick or treaters so this year I bought enough candy for 1,000 of them just to be safe.
My cause of death will definitely be listed as "tripped over cat".
October 25, 2023 at 11:55 PM
My cause of death will definitely be listed as "tripped over cat".
I don't like it when somebody who's not me wins the lottery.
October 20, 2023 at 12:20 AM
I don't like it when somebody who's not me wins the lottery.
- Is cooking for one person.
- Makes enough to feed 23 teenage boys.
- Makes enough to feed 23 teenage boys.
October 18, 2023 at 12:57 AM
- Is cooking for one person.
- Makes enough to feed 23 teenage boys.
- Makes enough to feed 23 teenage boys.
Fuck me onto short term disability or GTFO.
October 14, 2023 at 5:33 AM
Fuck me onto short term disability or GTFO.
Sorry about that typo where I said I wanted to kick your pussy.
October 13, 2023 at 12:52 AM
Sorry about that typo where I said I wanted to kick your pussy.
Established dominance at the new job by clogging the toilet so they know who they're dealing with.
October 9, 2023 at 9:23 PM
Established dominance at the new job by clogging the toilet so they know who they're dealing with.
After sex you have 20 to 30 seconds to fall asleep before I start snoring my ass off.
October 4, 2023 at 9:51 PM
After sex you have 20 to 30 seconds to fall asleep before I start snoring my ass off.
I don't get to slap people nearly as often as I want to.
October 3, 2023 at 11:55 PM
I don't get to slap people nearly as often as I want to.
Sometimes when I get high there's like a 30 second window where I think I'm gonna shit my pants but I almost never do.
September 28, 2023 at 11:28 PM
Sometimes when I get high there's like a 30 second window where I think I'm gonna shit my pants but I almost never do.
You can be a fuck up your whole life if you want to. There's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop you.
September 27, 2023 at 10:06 PM
You can be a fuck up your whole life if you want to. There's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop you.
Hot tubs are just people soup seasoned with poop flakes from everybody in there.
September 23, 2023 at 12:49 AM
Hot tubs are just people soup seasoned with poop flakes from everybody in there.
Gonna start a line of candles with names like Buttcrack in July and Downwind of Trash Dump to give to annoying coworkers at Christmas.
September 22, 2023 at 12:16 AM
Gonna start a line of candles with names like Buttcrack in July and Downwind of Trash Dump to give to annoying coworkers at Christmas.
I can never be in another relationship. I've been pooping with the door open too long to go back now.
September 21, 2023 at 10:40 PM
I can never be in another relationship. I've been pooping with the door open too long to go back now.
I miss when I was young and could do cool shit like take my pants off without putting a hand on the dresser to brace myself.
September 21, 2023 at 10:03 PM
I miss when I was young and could do cool shit like take my pants off without putting a hand on the dresser to brace myself.
Grabbed the wrong jug out of the fridge while I was high and I gotta say sweet tea isn't too good on Crunch Berries.
August 25, 2023 at 7:35 AM
Grabbed the wrong jug out of the fridge while I was high and I gotta say sweet tea isn't too good on Crunch Berries.
Forgot I'm old and got down on the floor to play with the dog and well I gotta have my mail delivered down here now.
August 24, 2023 at 4:43 AM
Forgot I'm old and got down on the floor to play with the dog and well I gotta have my mail delivered down here now.
If it's really love they'll chew your toenails for you.
August 23, 2023 at 7:17 PM
If it's really love they'll chew your toenails for you.
Reposted by JC
I’ll make you say “whoa mama” on the regular
August 21, 2023 at 5:10 AM
I’ll make you say “whoa mama” on the regular
I hit my shin on my trailer hitch so goodbye forever. I love you all.
August 17, 2023 at 10:28 PM
I hit my shin on my trailer hitch so goodbye forever. I love you all.