Moon is really hauling ass today

Ooh-wee-hoo, I look just like Buddy Holly (after the crash)

[hands corn maze guy $50] make sure I never come out

No I'm not available. I'm just sitting here enjoying the finer things in life, like not being available

i broke up with a girl once for storing her artist brushes in a maxwell house can instead of a café bustelo.

I don't know why America is like this, we've only been perpetuating the idea the only way to be a real man is to be violent, aggressive, and rich since its foundation.

its cuz guy on the right just look like a dude. fetterman look like a giant fell into a portal and landed in now times & grabbed whatever he saw drying on a clothesline in a field. sick but difficult to replicate. every restaurant like "hello mr giant do u want to try soup?"

Bаck & Body Hurts

[to the tune of Smokin In the Boys Room]

No experience quite like the one we're currently in, where we know that Jair Bolsonaro is in the hospital again but no one knows whether it's because he swallowed six pounds of gravel or lost a fight with an enormous flightless bird.

cis people: why are trans people so obsessed with gender

also cis people:

people love to do their banking with the app that’s constantly in a flame war with holocaust museums

everyone who is on the computer more than me is a psychopath and everyone who is on it less than me is a dumbass