John
@sarcasticapple.bsky.social
Sometimes when it rains I like to go outside holding a cocktail umbrella and pretend I'm a giant who makes bad decisions.
Reposted by John
My reaction to seeing smoke coming out of a chimney changes depending on the time of year:
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
October 20, 2024 at 2:27 PM
My reaction to seeing smoke coming out of a chimney changes depending on the time of year:
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
Sure I'll hand-wash the non-dishwasher safe mug. I will however be silently judging it for its cowardice as its comrades face the full force of advanced triple-action cleaning technology while it enjoys a little bubble bath.
October 1, 2025 at 8:25 AM
Sure I'll hand-wash the non-dishwasher safe mug. I will however be silently judging it for its cowardice as its comrades face the full force of advanced triple-action cleaning technology while it enjoys a little bubble bath.
picking lotto numbers:
ah such auspicious digits, bound together by destiny, my victory is all but assured.
getting a lucky dip ticket:
what kind of clown ass numbers are these? I would be ashamed to win anything with these numbers.
ah such auspicious digits, bound together by destiny, my victory is all but assured.
getting a lucky dip ticket:
what kind of clown ass numbers are these? I would be ashamed to win anything with these numbers.
March 22, 2025 at 3:21 PM
picking lotto numbers:
ah such auspicious digits, bound together by destiny, my victory is all but assured.
getting a lucky dip ticket:
what kind of clown ass numbers are these? I would be ashamed to win anything with these numbers.
ah such auspicious digits, bound together by destiny, my victory is all but assured.
getting a lucky dip ticket:
what kind of clown ass numbers are these? I would be ashamed to win anything with these numbers.
CHRISTMAS, brought to you in association with DECEMBER - MONTH OF PERPETUAL DARKNESS.
Now a word from our sponsor: [the wind howls]
Now a word from our sponsor: [the wind howls]
December 5, 2024 at 8:37 PM
CHRISTMAS, brought to you in association with DECEMBER - MONTH OF PERPETUAL DARKNESS.
Now a word from our sponsor: [the wind howls]
Now a word from our sponsor: [the wind howls]
I have two responses to invitations:
a) I'll be there with bells on!
b) Sorry, I can't leave the house I am covered in bells.
a) I'll be there with bells on!
b) Sorry, I can't leave the house I am covered in bells.
November 27, 2024 at 6:41 PM
I have two responses to invitations:
a) I'll be there with bells on!
b) Sorry, I can't leave the house I am covered in bells.
a) I'll be there with bells on!
b) Sorry, I can't leave the house I am covered in bells.
when I want to buy a nice yoghurt as a little treat but there is a multi-buy offer that requires me to buy five
November 26, 2024 at 8:13 PM
when I want to buy a nice yoghurt as a little treat but there is a multi-buy offer that requires me to buy five
My reaction to seeing smoke coming out of a chimney changes depending on the time of year:
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
October 20, 2024 at 2:27 PM
My reaction to seeing smoke coming out of a chimney changes depending on the time of year:
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
January - someone is having a cosy time
August - someone is burning evidence
October - someone is having a cosy time burning evidence
Oh you like Halloween do you? Name three ghosts.
October 19, 2024 at 11:15 AM
Oh you like Halloween do you? Name three ghosts.
It must be tough being a mid-range dishwasher tablet. You're sitting there on the shelf trying to feel good about yourself while some "Platinum Plus" wanker from the SAME BRAND is actively disparaging your ability to tackle burnt on stains.
October 16, 2024 at 8:26 AM
It must be tough being a mid-range dishwasher tablet. You're sitting there on the shelf trying to feel good about yourself while some "Platinum Plus" wanker from the SAME BRAND is actively disparaging your ability to tackle burnt on stains.
I have updated the terms of my privacy policy, I can now show your posts to my cat. These changes will come into effect when he wakes up from his nap.
October 15, 2024 at 7:19 PM
I have updated the terms of my privacy policy, I can now show your posts to my cat. These changes will come into effect when he wakes up from his nap.
They don't like to admit it but ghosts are heavily dependent on soundtrack to haunt people effectively. If a ghost tries haunting you and you put on Dancing Queen by ABBA, it will just give up and leave.
October 13, 2024 at 6:44 PM
They don't like to admit it but ghosts are heavily dependent on soundtrack to haunt people effectively. If a ghost tries haunting you and you put on Dancing Queen by ABBA, it will just give up and leave.
Reposted by John
A common phobia is to be scared of heights but I'm scared of lengths. Some things are just too far away. How did they even get over there?
October 13, 2024 at 3:13 PM
A common phobia is to be scared of heights but I'm scared of lengths. Some things are just too far away. How did they even get over there?
If you are a songwriter you can say you have whatever job you want. You can be like "I am a lonesome fisherman" and everyone will play along. They'll be imagining you sitting there all sad on your little boat.
October 12, 2024 at 8:54 AM
If you are a songwriter you can say you have whatever job you want. You can be like "I am a lonesome fisherman" and everyone will play along. They'll be imagining you sitting there all sad on your little boat.
when they sing "the bad guys know us and they leave us alone" I wonder about this street gang who were afraid of the beach boys.
October 11, 2024 at 8:43 AM
when they sing "the bad guys know us and they leave us alone" I wonder about this street gang who were afraid of the beach boys.
WIZARD: [opens ancient book of spells, blows dust off pages]
LIBRARIAN: [mutters] oh very nice, just gonna magic that dust away is he? like hell he is.
LIBRARIAN: [mutters] oh very nice, just gonna magic that dust away is he? like hell he is.
October 10, 2024 at 1:19 PM
WIZARD: [opens ancient book of spells, blows dust off pages]
LIBRARIAN: [mutters] oh very nice, just gonna magic that dust away is he? like hell he is.
LIBRARIAN: [mutters] oh very nice, just gonna magic that dust away is he? like hell he is.
I am grateful that France as a nation was brave enough to ask the question "what if bread was long?"
October 9, 2024 at 7:21 AM
I am grateful that France as a nation was brave enough to ask the question "what if bread was long?"
[poker table]
ME [whispering to my cards]: Okay but do you guys really *feel* like a pair? I don't want to pressure you into putting a label on this or anything. [smooshes them together] I mean is there a spark there? Am I crazy thinking this could work?
ME: [out loud]: I bet one poker chip.
ME [whispering to my cards]: Okay but do you guys really *feel* like a pair? I don't want to pressure you into putting a label on this or anything. [smooshes them together] I mean is there a spark there? Am I crazy thinking this could work?
ME: [out loud]: I bet one poker chip.
October 8, 2024 at 5:01 PM
[poker table]
ME [whispering to my cards]: Okay but do you guys really *feel* like a pair? I don't want to pressure you into putting a label on this or anything. [smooshes them together] I mean is there a spark there? Am I crazy thinking this could work?
ME: [out loud]: I bet one poker chip.
ME [whispering to my cards]: Okay but do you guys really *feel* like a pair? I don't want to pressure you into putting a label on this or anything. [smooshes them together] I mean is there a spark there? Am I crazy thinking this could work?
ME: [out loud]: I bet one poker chip.
ME: are you telling me a shrimp fried this rice?
SHRIMP: [not breaking eye contact] that is *exactly* what I'm telling you.
SHRIMP: [not breaking eye contact] that is *exactly* what I'm telling you.
October 7, 2024 at 11:28 AM
ME: are you telling me a shrimp fried this rice?
SHRIMP: [not breaking eye contact] that is *exactly* what I'm telling you.
SHRIMP: [not breaking eye contact] that is *exactly* what I'm telling you.
Someone should make a property search portal for those of us who are just morbidly curious.
Filters > Property Must Have:
Original Victorian wallpaper
Haunted portrait
Creeping sense of foreboding
Unused west wing containing the meticulously preserved personal effects of the previous Mrs de Winter
Filters > Property Must Have:
Original Victorian wallpaper
Haunted portrait
Creeping sense of foreboding
Unused west wing containing the meticulously preserved personal effects of the previous Mrs de Winter
October 6, 2024 at 12:20 PM
Someone should make a property search portal for those of us who are just morbidly curious.
Filters > Property Must Have:
Original Victorian wallpaper
Haunted portrait
Creeping sense of foreboding
Unused west wing containing the meticulously preserved personal effects of the previous Mrs de Winter
Filters > Property Must Have:
Original Victorian wallpaper
Haunted portrait
Creeping sense of foreboding
Unused west wing containing the meticulously preserved personal effects of the previous Mrs de Winter
It seems like a major design flaw that a biological process as critical as sleep is based almost entirely on vibes.
October 6, 2024 at 9:27 AM
It seems like a major design flaw that a biological process as critical as sleep is based almost entirely on vibes.
Quotes from Wuthering Heights I saved because they reminded me of our cat:
"Get away, this moment! How dare you touch me?"
"...impertinent little monkey!”
"...saucy insolence.”
"...incarnate goblin!"
"She was the most winning thing that ever brought sunshine into a desolate house"
"Get away, this moment! How dare you touch me?"
"...impertinent little monkey!”
"...saucy insolence.”
"...incarnate goblin!"
"She was the most winning thing that ever brought sunshine into a desolate house"
October 5, 2024 at 3:16 PM
Quotes from Wuthering Heights I saved because they reminded me of our cat:
"Get away, this moment! How dare you touch me?"
"...impertinent little monkey!”
"...saucy insolence.”
"...incarnate goblin!"
"She was the most winning thing that ever brought sunshine into a desolate house"
"Get away, this moment! How dare you touch me?"
"...impertinent little monkey!”
"...saucy insolence.”
"...incarnate goblin!"
"She was the most winning thing that ever brought sunshine into a desolate house"
OTTER COMEDIAN: have you ever noticed how river otters are super cute, but then sea otters, they are super cute also?
AUDIENCE: Awwww
AUDIENCE: Awwww
October 5, 2024 at 12:26 PM
OTTER COMEDIAN: have you ever noticed how river otters are super cute, but then sea otters, they are super cute also?
AUDIENCE: Awwww
AUDIENCE: Awwww
A little bit of croissant in the sun
A little bit of pancake, all day long
A little bit of coffee here I am
A little bit of milk for my All-Bran
Crumpet! The crumpet!
Lou Bega at a breakfast buffet
A little bit of pancake, all day long
A little bit of coffee here I am
A little bit of milk for my All-Bran
Crumpet! The crumpet!
Lou Bega at a breakfast buffet
October 4, 2024 at 8:15 PM
A little bit of croissant in the sun
A little bit of pancake, all day long
A little bit of coffee here I am
A little bit of milk for my All-Bran
Crumpet! The crumpet!
Lou Bega at a breakfast buffet
A little bit of pancake, all day long
A little bit of coffee here I am
A little bit of milk for my All-Bran
Crumpet! The crumpet!
Lou Bega at a breakfast buffet
The spork is too powerful. No one utensil should hold dominion over solid and liquid food alike. That is why most are forged of flimsy plastic, for they must never know of their true strength.
October 3, 2024 at 7:45 PM
The spork is too powerful. No one utensil should hold dominion over solid and liquid food alike. That is why most are forged of flimsy plastic, for they must never know of their true strength.
ME [being chased by a wasp]: aw it thinks I look like a beautiful flower
WASP: wow this half eaten donut can run
WASP: wow this half eaten donut can run
September 28, 2024 at 12:29 PM
ME [being chased by a wasp]: aw it thinks I look like a beautiful flower
WASP: wow this half eaten donut can run
WASP: wow this half eaten donut can run