@habbibti.bsky.social
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Oh to be a little ant swept off a table, free falling for seconds only to land and keep on truckin
October 17, 2023 at 12:26 PM
Oh to be a little ant swept off a table, free falling for seconds only to land and keep on truckin
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[second time at a rodeo]
Me: This isn’t my fir—
Ticket Taker: Don’t.
Me: This isn’t my fir—
Ticket Taker: Don’t.
October 17, 2023 at 1:38 PM
[second time at a rodeo]
Me: This isn’t my fir—
Ticket Taker: Don’t.
Me: This isn’t my fir—
Ticket Taker: Don’t.
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Me: They say dogs are man’s best friend.
Dog: Pretty sure it depends on which man and if he has steak.
Dog: Pretty sure it depends on which man and if he has steak.
October 17, 2023 at 12:56 AM
Me: They say dogs are man’s best friend.
Dog: Pretty sure it depends on which man and if he has steak.
Dog: Pretty sure it depends on which man and if he has steak.
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[world without bees]
ME: honey i’m home
WIFE: what’s honey
ME: honey i’m home
WIFE: what’s honey
October 17, 2023 at 1:29 AM
[world without bees]
ME: honey i’m home
WIFE: what’s honey
ME: honey i’m home
WIFE: what’s honey
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card
October 15, 2023 at 6:39 PM
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card
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I'm a lot funnier on LinkedIn.
October 16, 2023 at 6:46 AM
I'm a lot funnier on LinkedIn.
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I bet Newton had some other laws too like keep your fucking feet off the coffee table.
October 15, 2023 at 6:22 PM
I bet Newton had some other laws too like keep your fucking feet off the coffee table.
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Me getting murdered at home: Could you leave the TV on for my the dog?
October 16, 2023 at 6:12 PM
Me getting murdered at home: Could you leave the TV on for my the dog?
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I talk a lot of shit for someone that can't say cinnanon properly.
October 16, 2023 at 9:55 PM
I talk a lot of shit for someone that can't say cinnanon properly.
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If you leave your phone sounds on in public and are not visually impaired I think you should be flogged
October 17, 2023 at 5:21 PM
If you leave your phone sounds on in public and are not visually impaired I think you should be flogged
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REPORTER: How do you do it? What's your secret?
ME (a world-class famous ice dick sculptor): Well, you start with a block of ice, then chainsaw away everything that doesn't look like a dick.
ME (a world-class famous ice dick sculptor): Well, you start with a block of ice, then chainsaw away everything that doesn't look like a dick.
October 17, 2023 at 5:37 PM
REPORTER: How do you do it? What's your secret?
ME (a world-class famous ice dick sculptor): Well, you start with a block of ice, then chainsaw away everything that doesn't look like a dick.
ME (a world-class famous ice dick sculptor): Well, you start with a block of ice, then chainsaw away everything that doesn't look like a dick.
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Singles in your area surround your house, shrieking for vengeance
October 17, 2023 at 5:37 PM
Singles in your area surround your house, shrieking for vengeance
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I hate when you have used the wrong password and the website still asks if you want to save it.
It was the wrong password FFS, no I didn't want to save it for eternity.
It was the wrong password FFS, no I didn't want to save it for eternity.
October 17, 2023 at 3:56 PM
I hate when you have used the wrong password and the website still asks if you want to save it.
It was the wrong password FFS, no I didn't want to save it for eternity.
It was the wrong password FFS, no I didn't want to save it for eternity.
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
October 17, 2023 at 6:36 PM
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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In grad school I was a big fan of a band and me and my roommates would drive to all their shows and I’d yell “Freebird!” and then one night we were close to the stage and the singer walked over to the guitarist and said “the freebird guy is here”
October 16, 2023 at 6:46 PM
In grad school I was a big fan of a band and me and my roommates would drive to all their shows and I’d yell “Freebird!” and then one night we were close to the stage and the singer walked over to the guitarist and said “the freebird guy is here”
Call me old fashioned, but I love calling people asshole.
October 17, 2023 at 9:52 PM
Call me old fashioned, but I love calling people asshole.
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How is it already October 5th, last time I checked it was 1998
October 5, 2023 at 12:10 PM
How is it already October 5th, last time I checked it was 1998
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I got the Covid booster shot, and I don’t care if the government put tracking chips in it. At least now I feel seen.
October 4, 2023 at 3:13 PM
I got the Covid booster shot, and I don’t care if the government put tracking chips in it. At least now I feel seen.
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[buying a pumpkin] One scary watermelon, please
September 26, 2023 at 3:01 PM
[buying a pumpkin] One scary watermelon, please
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I won’t hear a bad word against our priest. He’s a great dad and a very considerate lover
October 5, 2023 at 2:15 PM
I won’t hear a bad word against our priest. He’s a great dad and a very considerate lover