✨Vanessa
@coolauntv.bsky.social
writer, comedian • original content
Pinned
[first day as a homicide detective]
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties
What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last
What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last
July 19, 2025 at 8:39 PM
What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties
What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last
What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last
going to start referring to my wrinkles and age spots as “patina”
November 6, 2025 at 9:28 PM
going to start referring to my wrinkles and age spots as “patina”
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
Listen, EVERYBODY thinks their dog is the best dog, but here's the thing: they're right
November 5, 2025 at 12:05 AM
Listen, EVERYBODY thinks their dog is the best dog, but here's the thing: they're right
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively
November 5, 2025 at 12:24 AM
sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively
hey have you started that book I gave you? (threat)
November 4, 2025 at 11:41 PM
hey have you started that book I gave you? (threat)
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
Woke up today to the news
November 4, 2025 at 1:53 PM
Woke up today to the news
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
November 4, 2024 at 6:39 PM
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
It’s important that we as humans take the time to bury pottery full of stuff deep in the ground so that when it’s found 5000 years later, people get excited and they have to send in experts to figure out who put it there
November 3, 2025 at 10:30 PM
It’s important that we as humans take the time to bury pottery full of stuff deep in the ground so that when it’s found 5000 years later, people get excited and they have to send in experts to figure out who put it there
i like my coffee like i like my men: two pumps
November 3, 2025 at 7:42 PM
i like my coffee like i like my men: two pumps
how did new girl make living with three dudes look so appealing
November 2, 2025 at 2:20 AM
how did new girl make living with three dudes look so appealing
[first day as a homicide detective]
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
November 1, 2025 at 12:16 AM
[first day as a homicide detective]
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
*pulling knife out of kitchen drawer* WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
been meaning to take some stuff to goodwill but i think ima just leave it all on my porch tomorrow and just be like “one item per kid.” why does the treat have to be candy? maybe your treat is a mug. maybe your treat is some size 7 women’s heels. how about a cooler?
October 31, 2025 at 3:48 AM
been meaning to take some stuff to goodwill but i think ima just leave it all on my porch tomorrow and just be like “one item per kid.” why does the treat have to be candy? maybe your treat is a mug. maybe your treat is some size 7 women’s heels. how about a cooler?
I wish I had the ability to create just 25% of the sexual tension that Mike Rowe is able to create between himself and everyone he interacts with on Dirty Jobs
October 30, 2025 at 7:47 PM
I wish I had the ability to create just 25% of the sexual tension that Mike Rowe is able to create between himself and everyone he interacts with on Dirty Jobs
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn't call you
Demon: I did
Me: I didn't call you
Demon: I did
October 30, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn't call you
Demon: I did
Me: I didn't call you
Demon: I did
taking a xanax so i can watch horror movies
October 25, 2025 at 6:43 PM
taking a xanax so i can watch horror movies
secret recipes are so dumb. you’re standing on the shoulders of hundreds of thousands of years worth of families passing down cooking knowledge through generations and cultures and you’re going to take your stupid cookie recipe to the grave? ok
October 24, 2025 at 9:59 PM
secret recipes are so dumb. you’re standing on the shoulders of hundreds of thousands of years worth of families passing down cooking knowledge through generations and cultures and you’re going to take your stupid cookie recipe to the grave? ok
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
waiter (cocking gun): we do things a little differently here
October 21, 2025 at 10:47 PM
waiter (cocking gun): we do things a little differently here
who me? no i’m not traveling alone as a woman; i’m just in town visiting my three uncles who all work in waste management
October 21, 2025 at 10:24 PM
who me? no i’m not traveling alone as a woman; i’m just in town visiting my three uncles who all work in waste management
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
I'm starting a secret society and--fuck
October 10, 2025 at 4:14 AM
I'm starting a secret society and--fuck
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
October 10, 2025 at 2:44 AM
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
in the pilot of Portlandia they sing about how the dream of the 90s is alive in Portland and that episode is closer to the 90s than we are from that episode you’re welcome
October 10, 2025 at 6:08 AM
in the pilot of Portlandia they sing about how the dream of the 90s is alive in Portland and that episode is closer to the 90s than we are from that episode you’re welcome
years and hundreds of millions of dollars later my city’s most effective strategy for fighting visible homelessness is just big rocks everywhere? the everyone-is-12-now theory checks out
October 8, 2025 at 3:46 AM
years and hundreds of millions of dollars later my city’s most effective strategy for fighting visible homelessness is just big rocks everywhere? the everyone-is-12-now theory checks out
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
well well well another week, another opportunity to completely miss
July 7, 2025 at 8:18 PM
well well well another week, another opportunity to completely miss
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.
October 5, 2025 at 4:01 AM
Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.
Reposted by ✨Vanessa
I’d join a polycule just to disrupt the power structure
October 6, 2025 at 4:41 PM
I’d join a polycule just to disrupt the power structure